I’ve been riding the FUNemployment bus for the last 8 months, and figuring shit out for myself. What do I want to do?  Where do I want to go?  Who will I aim to please?   I’ve had my heart broken a thousand times in between and after coming home from Italy, decided to structurize my life again.

Less than 2 weeks later, I find myself sitting on the patio at my new job, having a beer, working on my laptop, and enjoying the sunshine.   This is work?  Yup.  I never ever thought I’d say this, but I fucking love my job.  After having spent the last 10 years working in a field that I didn’t belong in, its refreshing to find something that’s actually right up my alley.

I’m typing this on my flight back from NYC.  I knew NYC was going to be a great time, what I didn’t expect was the lessons it taught me in just under 4 days.  It’s ok to want more, and it’s ok to be selfish.  I have a clearer understanding of what I want and what I need.  And like Mr. Enitan Bereola says, “State your intentions as soon as you know your intentions.”

My intentions, for now, is to save my heart for someone who deserves it.  Enjoy working because I actually enjoy my work, and focus focus FOCUS on whatever time I have left.

The Universe has thrown me some SHIT in my life, but she’s also blessed me with amazing opportunities.  One step at a time. I’ll get there, and I’m ready and willing to do what it takes.   I asked the universe for NYC to change my life.  In a nutshell, it absolutely has.

p.s. pictures coming soon.

I told you that first time not to let me get used to you.  Then you started spending all this time with me.  It started out as lunchtime, which then turned into spare time, and in no time, we were part time lovers.

In our downtime, we’d send silly texts and sometimes it was phone calls where we’d lose time in conversation with each other.  Time stamps on text messages became more frequent and lunchtime bled into dinnertime which only ended when it was time to wake up.

Time of my life.

Suddenly, the the only time we weren’t in contact with each other was when we were asleep, but even during sleep time you were in my dream time.  And we found ourselves spending all our time in each other’s company. Even when you were late, we were always on time for each other.  Neither of us were keeping time because that one time, we we said that in due time, we’d have forever.

To pass the time, we’d plan quality time like vacation time and date time.  “What time do I have you till?”  ”What time do you want me there?”  ”First time for everything.” “I had such a great time.”  At that point in time, nothing else pressed our time but each other.

“No time like the present,” you’d say.  “About time I was happy,” I’d say.

Time out.  

Then one time, we fought for the umpteenth time.  But that time, it was different.  Because I told myself I wouldn’t do it again, and you told me you were done. We both said that this time would be the last time.

So time passed and you’d call me 6 times instead of 10.  At the same time, I’d see you one time in the week instead of five.  And the time we spent apart was more than the time we spent together. More than one time, we’d be saying shit like “Long time no see” , “Time to go” and “Have a good time.”

Time stopped. 

Three minutes since the last time I checked my phone for your imaginary text and three days since the last time we FaceTime’d.  Which one of us would give in this time?  Only time would tell.  Each and every time, it always came in the nick of time..  Cuz you had some free time, or cuz I wanted to spend time. We always said we never had any time, but yet we still made time.  Albiet it was never the same time.. as before.

Funny that we always gave it one more time. Mainly because with each other, we always had a good time.  The time spent with you meant more than my alone time.  So maybe this time would be different, cuz we thought our time had meant something..cuz it did. Sometimes I think that if we had only gave a little more time, we wouldn’t have taken each other or the time we had for granted.

After some time the only time I’d see you was on my timeline and every time we’d try to spend time, we’d always reply “Maybe some other time.” 

Time off. 

There comes a point in time where the countless times of crying and fighting add up.  The time we spent trying to make up for lost time never bridged the gap of the time we spent apart.  After some time, “Sorry” and “I love you” stopped meaning anything cuz we said it too many times. All the time we spent making war when we could have been making love make us want to go back in time to fix it.

Sometimes, it takes too long to realize and within the heartbreak, real time stands still.  Cuz I’m still stuck on that one time you told me you would love me for all time.  You’re still bent on that last time I spent my time elsewhere.  And we both won’t forgive each other for making it a hard time.

And although our time spent together wasn’t a waste of time, we both know that this time, really is the last time.  Better luck next time, I guess.

Time’s up.

“Girls like you remind me that I’m lonely.”

I see you and your glittery gay FB statuses.  Your 5369974 pictures of <3 on Instagram.  Your “Love you @babe” Tweet conversations.  Your shiny new diamond.  And I’m so happpy that you’re happy.  I am the first person to nominate myself for bridesmaids, to “Like” the post and to comment on the picture.  You are the reason why I still believe in love.  Love has to be real… Look how ridiculously happy you are.  And I know how absolutely possible falling in love is.  I’ve been there before.  I used to be you. Until I fell in love with a guy like you. 

Guys like you remind me that I’m lonely.

I see you and your handsome ass.  Your “single” relationship status.  Your text messages.  And I’m the first person to comment on your uplifting FB status, or “Like” that picture.  But I take note of all the other girls who do too.  And although I’d love to believe that we may have something, I know better.  Because I know all the signs, and can see through all the half-truths.  I’ve been on the other end of your tricks of the trade. I know better than to get close to a guy like you. But I’m lonely. So I keep falling for guys like you. 

Like you, for instance. 

Always on some ill shit
Around good people I could build with
Champion the ones that I’m near most
Fellow outcasts and weirdos
I do it all without a cosign
My fuckin’ mind is a gold mine

Man watch when I get my whole dream on
I cant wait for my whole fuckin’ team oh
Oh its just a matter of time, a matter of time
Cuz I aint afaid to fail, can’t you tell
I WANT IT ALL

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If you ask me what my perfect first date would be, I’d tell you I’d already had it.  I had never had an 8 hour first date before, and in all honesty, I didn’t even want it to end. I met him at the farmer’s market, with Adonis on my hip.  It was a Saturday, and it was hot, and I wore all black.  Actually, I looked like a mom. Barely any makeup, baby bag slung over my shoulder.  The farmer’s market turned into train rides in the mountains for my lil one, which bled into a street festival and by the time I knew it, the sun was down and it was time for bed. I was smitten, and to this day,  I have yet to go on a better first date.

If you ask me what my perfect date would be, I’d tell you I’d already had it.  He told me to be ready by 7pm.  I wore something that I knew he’d like and as soon as I opened the door, the look on his face told me I’d done well.  He used to look at me like I was the only woman in the world, and I ate it up like it was hazelnut ice cream.  Twenty minutes later we were at the museum, acting child-like around all the exhibits, only reminding myself I was grown by the drink in my hand.  Before I knew it we were at the bar, dancing too close to each other, but neither of us cared.  We ended the night in my bed, as our skin kissed and the blankets twist.  The date ended with a “Good Morning.” and if I could re-live that one night again, I would do it in a cocaine-heartbeat.

But if you ask me what a perfect night would be?  I’d say this.  Let’s just be. Let’s just be in each other’s company, sharing a pair of pajamas.  I can wear the top, and you can wear the bottom, and dinner can come from the stove or even the microwave.  You don’t have to shave, I don’t have to fix my face.  But we do have to agree on what channel the TV is on, and you will have to be comfortable with my neck in your nook after I rub your feet.

And I don’t even need you to try and top that first day, and I don’t expect every date to be the perfect date, either. But I do need every night to be perfectly us.  Let’s just be, you and me.  In all we were meant to be…. happy.

Lights out. Sucka punch psyched out.

Check me out…

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I breathed in again and coughed.  Everyone is smoking.  The smoke mixed with the absolute horrendous stench of the man in front of me singed my nose hairs right off.  ”Welcome to Italy,” Nikko said with a smile.  Comforting to know she can still read me.  

Sitting in my first Italian restaurant, I stared at the menu like it was something like a flying unicorn singing in Latin on the radio.  What was I looking at?  I settled on a crostini misti, a blanche pizza con prosciutto, and a bottle of acqua naturale.  My first bite of my first real Italian meal and I knew, Italy was going to change my life.  

(to be continued)…