Hold on.
currently playing. “I can feel it, calling in the air tonight… hold on.”
For those of you who are 80s babies like me and can actually hear this song playing in your head, also imagine me sitting at my window staring at the rain being the MOST EMO. EVER. IN LIFE.
I’ve been going thru the motions lately– a time in my life where nothing seems to make sense and everything is going left when I need it to go right. I’m confused, hurt, confused, angry, confused….. did i say confused?
In an effort to keep from going off the deep end, I picked up some reading by the Dalai Lama…
*aside: I’ve grew up Catholic, went to a Christian elementary school, a Catholic high school, had CCD classes AND always wanted to be “born again.” To say I was religiously confused is an understatement. In college I took my first Philosophy class. It was the very first class that changed my life. *
Although this wasn’t the first time I’ve read about Buddhism, it was the first time Buddhism spoke to me. The Dalai Lama and his teachings, the belief system, the spirituality of it all — it took a hold of my broken soul and SHOOK ME TO THE CORE.
OM MANI PADME HUM — a Tibetan mantra that contains the essence of the entire teaching. And its currently saving my life.
p.s. going for a touch up in a couple weeks since apparently, my skull is pushing out the ink on that first symbol. WACK. On an other note, go see my homies at LUCKYVANS tattoo in SF.
my degree of seperation.
There’s this little piece of paper at my parents house that’s collecting dust in their glass case. It reads: Rachel Tan, Bachelor of Science – Business Administration, Cum Laude. It stands alongside my highschool diploma, my first communion certificate, and my Spanish Honors Society graduation sash.
What does this mean? It means I endured years of formal education, went back to school after numerous breaks and finally stuck with a major. It means I listened to my parents, made them proud, and have something to show for it.
What does it mean in the real world? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. School and formalized education ain’t for everyone, and I think the school of hard knocks does WONDERS for a person’s character. But we already know that it really isn’t about what you know, its who you know. Because everything you don’t know can eventually be learned. You can learn by doing and experience goes longer in a job interview than a piece of paper.
I’m not saying formal education ain’t worth shit… cuz it is. But it’s not everything, and most of my adult life has been spent learning this lesson.
How are you supposed to know what you wanna do for the rest of your life at 18? And they expect you to pick a major, stick with it, graduate in 4 years, get a job, stay there for 20 years, and retire. Right? Only a handful of 18 year olds have enough insight to pursue their passion, and I truly admire them. I know a few people who have never looked back and have never been happier.. They lived the dream. For the other 99.8% of the population, we’re the most lost at 18…I was downright stupid. I got a tattoo that I didn’t need (thinking about covering it up now), I spent a whole paycheck to fly out and visit my boyfriend only to find out he was cheating on me with a married woman, I homewrecked a relationship, I failed my first semester of college, I partied too hard, I joined a cult, and completely LOST myself. It wasn’t until I was somewhat found, that I decided I was too old to still be an undergrad.
Now, at 27, I’m still learning. I’m learning what it is that I love, and how I can turn that into my meal ticket. I’m learning that my degree will ACTUALLY be of some use in my future endeavors, so long as i know how to apply the shit I learned. I’m learning that my job is a dead end for my happiness and if I’m ever gonna be who I want to be, I need to leave.
I thought I’d be done after graduation, but I’m learning that I’m still learning. Can someone tell me where I can get a BS in Life? I need to sign up.
regurgitation.
“i am not enough, and i am too much at the same time”
people are going to tell you that you can’t do it. that you will never amount to anything you dream of. they will also say that you are too needy or too proud. too pretty, or not pretty enough. people will tell you these things to diminish your determination because they want to see you fall. because misery loves company. because not everyone is good-hearted and thats just the way it goes.
so you set forth to prove them wrong. you are on a mission to turn your aspiration into your reality. but then….
in some instances, you catch urself being ur own worst enemy. the voice that’s telling u that it can’t happen is ur own. that nagging sense of “i’m such a failure” is coming from within you, fighting with the part of ur heart that KNOWS you deserve better.. or at least wants to believe so. and thats ok.
i’m going to get ahead of myself. i’m going to stumble. i’m going to talk too much, and do too little. i’m going to laugh too hard and not sleep enough. i’m going to think its all shit and im a failure the day before it all works out and i’m on top of the world. and i’m going to need you to remind me when i forget who i am or where i’m going.
i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again. we are both flawed AND fabulous, at the same time.
and that struggle that you think only belongs to you, belongs to me too. no matter how much you wanna just throw up the middle finger and give the world a big FUCK YOU, truth is, you need people. you just need to find the people who won’t turn your flaws or fuck-ups into their successes.
i am flawed. tell me something i don’t know. i am fabulous. or at least i will be. support me till i get there.
expect the unexpected
cuz even in November it can still be 78 degrees in San Francisco. cuz a cup of $5 soup can satisfy your soul better than a $30 meal. cuz who woulda thought you’d ever like vegetables? cuz you just found out the love of your life can be your own worst enemy. cuz you could still end up taking the train when you hate public transportation. cuz you never thought you’d actually want to go back to school. cuz the same girl who you thought hated your guts just sent you a fb friend request. cuz you’d never thought you’d stop believing in santa clause, or in religion, or even love.
and all of a sudden u wake up and find that all of these things are true, and the unexpected becomes your reality. and then what?
u dont know? cuz its just not what u expected.
on being his mother.
some women say that being a mother came naturally. that seeing their child for the first time created an unbreakable bond felt deep within their soul. some women say that all of a sudden, they thought like a mother, acted like a mother. some women say when you’re a mother, you just know. you know what to do, how to act, and that motherly instinct takes over.
i am not that woman.
my pregnancy was not a standard one. i wasnt told i was having twins until my third ultrasound at 14 weeks. the odds of having identical twin boys were nil, 0.4%… thats zero point four percent, just in case you didnt read that correctly. my husband and i were kicked out of the condo we were renting because the owner was selling it.. and then we lost one of our twins after a minor car accident the day after christmas.
for those of you who have ever miscarried a child at 7 months, the grief is overwhelming. you know what i’m talking about, it does not need to be explained. however, my circumstances were quite different. i still had Adonis. and he came a week later…. i didnt expect to give birth the way i did, the day i did. the first time i looked at Adonis, i cried.
partly because of all the circumstances surrounding his birth, but partly because i didnt feel as connected to him as i thought i should have. partly because i looked at him, and saw — someone i didnt know. i felt… detatched. his chance of survival increased with everyday, but i was still terrified of feeling for someone that might not be there tomorrow, or next week, or next month.
as adonis came home for the first time, i would look at him and feel guilty. i would only see his face when i should be seeing double. it hurt. i was TERRIFIED of sleeping, of waking up and losing the one that God let me keep as if he was some sort of punishment or if i didnt deserve the blessing.
after pushing past the guilt, praying past the grief, i finally learned how to embrace motherhood. but it did not come naturally or easy. it was difficult, sleepless, fun, exhausting, surprising, overwhelming, and absolutely worthwhile all at the same time. i opened my heart to to someone that is nothing short of magnificent…and although at times i felt so frustrated and so lost and so stupid that i questioned myself, at other times all i had to do was look at his face cuz this love is so strong it feels like i can’t breathe…
some of my friends tell me they’re ready to be a mother, that they have the motherly instinct, that they already act like a mother to their brothers, sisters, or friends… i say bullshit. you are not prepared for the overwhelming amount of love you feel for a child you give life to. you are not prepared for the endless number of days you can go on without any sleep. you are not prepared for the surprising acts of selflessness you find yourself doing on a daily basis.
but thats the beauty of it all. being a mother teaches you that you DIDN’T KNOW SHIT. but you’re learning about it with every baby step, and every little cough, and every baby word. you learn. and its nothing less than amazing.
FML
Beneath the make-up & behind the smile
I’m just a girl who wishes for the world..
- Marilyn Monroe
“fuck my life. and the one before it. and my afterlife” – hayati
this blog is not meant to inspire, has no comedic value, isnt lovey dovey, wont make u love life more, or anything of the sort. if ur looking for any of that, do not pass go. do not collect $200. read a previous post. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
with that outta the way. can i just reiterate… FUCK MY LIFE.
livin my life like its golden? u know whats wrong with gold? it melts.
shit happens. i become irrational, emotional, aggravated, annoyed and tell people to save their money so they can bail me outta jail as soon as i kill a muthafucka. i have bad days, weeks, months. i have moments where i cannot bare to get out of bed and face another human being. but i do it anyways. and not because its the right thing to do, but because if i dont i wont ever be able to go back to being “normal” — whatever that is.
so i make the best of what i got, livin my life like its golden even if its really just gold plated. laughing it off, drinking it down, shrugging it away cuz thats really all i can do to keep myself in one piece.
cuz i feel like im about to crack.
TO DO.
my project list is ridiculously long. but instead of feeling overwhelmed, i feel.. EXCITED. i dont feel like i’m drowning. instead, i feel like i’m thriving! does that make sense? and its CRAZY.
this post is really just for me – as a reminder, as a check list. cuz if i put this list out there for the world to see, i gotta see em thru cuz i hate sellin wolf tickets. lol. motivation…
this morning’s tweet was “Honing my talent into a craft. Turning my passion into a carrer.” lessgetit!
- WTForks.com new site completion and launch
- Twilight Movie Night SF edition planning (anyone wanna sponsor us?)
- Web/Graphic design for new blog layout
- Boogie Events Co event planning and interviewing
- Business License/planning for new culinary/vendor venture
- Marketing ideas for ComposurE, the hubby, and their album release
- Working on The Book. my book…
- Planning Vacations [cuz i gotta keep my chi in check]
- keeping my blog game tight for What The Hellz, WTF, Boogie, and you.
- Raising the smartest son EH-VER. [just had to add that in there. proud mommy indeed]
cleanin’ out the closet
this last weekend i did a major cleanup of my closet. i had so many clothes, it took over my room, the floor, and any empty space it could find. as i was going thru tons and tons and tons of old clothes to try and figure out what to keep, what to toss, and what to put in storage, i found that it was like going thru a photo album.
i caught myself thinking.. “oh i wore this the night of my birthday. i dont remember the night but at least i looked cute.” or “dude, i paired this with those jeans to happy hour with angela. i miss her.” and “eww u know whats-her-face has this same top. note to self, never wearing this again” and even “oh god this still has the tag on it? why did i even buy this?”
a lot of my clothes indicate the things that were happening in my life, and just about me in general. i have a thousand and five tunics from my pregnancy days that have actually been useful post-partum. put a belt on that bitch and the shirt turns into the cutest dress. lots of knit sweaters from being so cold all the time in the SF fog, even in the summer. denim thats one size too small but i refuse to get rid of it cuz bitch, i might get skinny again. lots of florals cuz i swear i’m a hippy. solid essentials make up the bulk of my closet cuz you can never go wrong with black and white. and then there are things that blow my mind. like that dress that makes me look like a farmer. or that purple lace getup a la 1986 Madonna. or that top that looks like i bought it at the flea market… or that skirt that looks like a bandeau bra. WTF was i thinking!?
the funny thing is tho, is that i can remember where i bought these, what i bought it for, who i was with, and where i wore it to. cuz like music, my clothes take me back to a specific time and place. its like a flashback to a memory and i always end up smiling. and i think thats why its so hard for me to get rid of shit, cuz i’ve had the best memories in em.
my husband had to intervene and put my whole “maybe” pile into the “hell no” pile to be sold at buffalo exchange. (sadness). and i had to explain to him why i shed a tear for “shit that i’m never gonna wear again”. [dont ever let your husband decide what gets to go, btw. its a fight waiting to happen]. the whole experience was liberating cuz i feel like i’m starting fresh, and getting rid of the clutter in my closet and in my head and in my life! cuz now i have the choice and freedom to reinvent my style, and reinvent myself. not that i want to, but if i did, i’d be able to….cuz my closet is clean. feel me?
and even tho im hella butthurt cuz i shoulda kept that one ruffle halter (cuz it would go so good with the skirt i’m wearing today) the good thing is, that now i have extra room for new clothes and new memories. and did i mention that i get three paychecks in july? =) who wants to stimulate the economy with me?
btw, i ‘m making room for that Hellz Tied Up tank cuz im soooo winning that giveaway.
progress. not perfection.
i am a work in progress.
i am on my way to becoming the person i want to be. i want to be the soccer mom a la carol brady. i want to be the wife that kicks martha stewart’s ass. i want to be the daughter that buys her parents a home. i want to be the cook that serves orgasms on a plate at every gathering and publishes recipes. i want to be the blogger that everyone quotes. i want to be the friend that never lets you down. i want to be the stranger that you want to meet. i want to be the person in your life that refuses to let you feel unappreciated.
cuz i’ve been inspired. and i want to inspire u. so that u can inspire somebody else and pay that shit forward.
ever feel like ur soul is on fire? someone or something opens the door and ur smacked in the face with a passion for something u never knew u had? and u start to explore yourself more and u work harder at ur own happiness and realize that u were dead before. u were just floating on what u think u should be doing rather than what ur heart tells u to be doing.. u were just… existing?
if i’m going to be alive, i might as well be incredible. i want to do more than just exist.
and although i cannot finitely say i’m done, i can say that i’m doing with as much conviction as my cold black heart lets me.
my soul is on fire. and i dont need no water, let that muthafucka burn.
Raaachem
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