Yes man
i’m a sagittatrius. which means i have an innate desire to make the people around me happy. i tend to commit to too many things and i feel bad when i have to say no. if it is within my power to make you happy, then so be it. i have a lot, a lot, a lot of friends (they dont call the hubby “The Mayor” for nothing) and its draining trying to keep up with everyone’s circles.
sometimes though, i feel like i lost myself in other people. trying to please my parents, my friends, my husband, my son, my boss, my doctor.. i feel like.. a yes man. always saying yes to those that matter the most to me even when it means saying no to what i really wanted.
but even though i know this about myself, i see this within me, the desire to people please still burns bright. according to my astrology book, one of the dislikes of a sag is public disapproval. (can i get an amen from my sag buddies out there?) and even though being born at the end of the year means i’m fun, optimistic, outgoing, and damn sexy (i swear, my book says sag’s are incredibly good looking) i felt as though i was a nomad. i felt as if i did not have a permanent place in life, a niche that i can call my own.
for the longest i thought that maybe saying “yes” would lead me to really finding myself and this soul searching that i’ve been trying to do would have a purpose. cuz saying yes opens doors and opens opportunities, right? you do different things with different people… you expand your horizons and you really get to know what you like and what u dont like.. who is on the same wavelength as you are and who is just bringing u down… friends get filtered and all of a sudden your bff is like cancer to ur soul. and one day you realize that by saying “yes” you have been changed.
u know what tho, i was right. saying “yes” when Kris suggested i start blogging made me realize how much i like to write. saying “yes” to getting my passport introduced me to my love of travel and exploration. saying “yes” to my husband and son filled the need for family. saying “yes” when Lawn asked me to blog for Hellz helped me realize that i relate to people on a deeper level than i ever imagined. and i guess that being a yes man helped me figure out what being ME was all about.
so i guess this whole “yes man” dilemma isnt such a bad thing. cuz saying “yes” makes the people i love happy. and nothing makes me happier than seeing them smile. so in the end, as long as i dont compromise my own happiness while trying to pacify yours, then its all good in the hood. cuz i think i found my niche. and it feels like home.
on love and bullshit.
in an earlier post i said that sometimes, love just isnt enough to keep two people together. and today i got to thinking about WHY.
sometimes the bullshit gets in the way.
have u ever noticed how people act differently given different situations? granted, i know u dont act the same in front of your mom at home as you do with ur girls on any given night out or even with your significant other on a date. but the essence of you.. the core of you should stay the same right?
so why is it that everything you love about someone seems to get thrown out the window as soon as shit hits the fan? the same person who said she would always be there for you is all of a sudden no where near you and runnin her mouth puttin ur bizness on blast. the same person who promised that he aint the kinda guy to fuck around is at the club tryna holla at your fucking cousin. the quiet, reserved girl you fell in love with morphs into the abnoxious chick at denny’s at 2 am who can’t handle her liquor. the “got-my-shit-straight-swagga-right-brown-skin” guy who swept you off your feet turns into someone you dont even recognize. and you can’t even understand why.
i see it like this..
when you’re waist deep in a relationship with someone, you do a lot of compromise. which is of course how it should be — back and forth, meet in the middle, give some take some kinda deal so long as the both of you are moving forward and together. but of course some people lose themselves in the process. some people give too much or take too much or get too comfortable with always having their way.
but you love them anyways. and you look past the flaws, and the selfishness and the pride and you WORK. you work at making it right, you work at making it better, you work at making your relationship work. and then one day you decide to do something for yourself, rather than for her. you decide you want some alone time, rather than a day of nothing with him. and then the switch goes off.
small changes in your thinking translate into big changes in the dynamic of your relationship. more “me” time might be misconstrued as “fuck, she doesnt love me anymore, she’s fuckin around.” saying “no” more often is viewed as “he no longer wants to do this for me, is he falling out of love with me?” the other party starts to feel… rejected. and thats not a feeling that usually coincides with love.
a healthy, equal relationship is a system of checks and balances. you call each other out on ur bullshit. you keep each other in check. but not all relationships are healthy or equal.. and so the rejected party gets desperate. they push their boundaries more… start becoming someone else entirely, picking fights, screaming for attention — all for YOU to prove your love… which in turn does the complete opposite and just pushes you away.
you remember how she was with you. you remember how he cooked you breakfast in the mornings, or how she put notes in your lunch, or how the two of you used to just talk for hours on end about nothing. you see this person that you still LOVE.. become someone you start to hate and it breaks your heart inside. because you know she’s better than that. you know he really isnt like that… but actions speak louder than words and trying to breathe with a broken heart is just too much to bare.
so you decide you’re better off as friends. you try and be normal but you dont even know what the fuck normal is. normal is morning sex and breakfast in bed but “friends” dont do that. normal is holding hands down the street on the way to dinner but now you dont know what to do with yourself and its too awkward to even look in the eye let alone give a hug hello. normal is being head over heels, shout at the mountain tops, crazy jealous, have you all to herself in love. and sometimes she just dont know how to be any different.
sometimes the love gets in the way.
so then WHAT THE FUCK?! its a catch 22, it doesnt work with you’re lovers and it doesnt work when you’re friends. what do you do now and where do you go from here? and i really have no answer for you….this is one of those rhetorical questions that will never have a wrong or a right.
i just hope one day it wont make sense to me when my best friend tells me she wants him to leave but she doesnt. that i wont get it when i hear a friend tell me he hates his ex but yet he’s still giving her morning sex and breakfast in bed (and lets her use his car and says “how high” when she says “jump” but lets not even go there.)
sometimes, love just isnt enough… and whoever first said this should be punched in the mouth for slapping the world in the face with the truth. hmph.
whats good in the (mother)HOOD.
blissfully uneventful sundays are my forte.
i spent mother’s day in my sweats, at home, playing with Adonis. We visited Mateo’s gravesite and ate applesauce and cookies in the sunshine and I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE.
i can finally say that i’m at a place where ive forgiven myself. i’ve stopped asking myself if i could have done anything different. i’ve stopped going over it in my head again and again and again. and it feels AMAZING. and although i still don’t feel whole, my heart does not feel empty. i spent yesterday feeling… joyous.
mike and i took our mamas out last night to dinner and i looked at them and understood. i understand what it means to love someone more than i possibly thought i could love anyone. i remember when i fell in love for the first time.. i was actually amazed that someone could feel so deeply about someone else… then when i fell in love with mike i felt like…. i loved him so much that my heart was gonna explode into a thousand pieces. i didnt think there was room in my soul for anymore love… and then i met our son. and its like that, times a gazillion and one plus infinity and beyond.
growing up my mom used to always preach to me. in between all the “buwisit” and the “puneta” and the “mag sisise ka pag wala ka ng magulang” (yes i’m a fob AND WHAT?) she would always say that i would never understand her until i have children of my own. and betcha by golly wow she was right. and i’m sure she was always right, i was just too hard headed and self absorbed to realize it. and i know everyone goes thru the growing pains of life, but my mom has been absolutely on point about all my pain of growing. i now believe that she’s a genius. and u bet ur ass she still says “buwisit” and “puneta” but u can also bet ur right leg that what she says no longer goes in one ear and out the other. and god, i appreciate her.
motherhood is the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. its the biggest responsibility of my life. its also the most rewarding. it never fails to teach me lessons that i’ve never learned and to surprise me with happiness i’ve never known. i also know that its the most worthwhile task that will ever be asked of me, and i’m completely game for whatever comes next.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, YO!
“Bitches live forever..
..and you’re the bitchiest bitch i know”
That was put on a note from my NBF Queenie last week… last week when i was freaking the fuck out… last week when God smacked me with a chin check… last week when i was faced with my own mortality as a cancer scare had my equilibrium off track…
today i received news that the lump i found during a self breast exam is actually called a fibroadenoma. and poses no risk to my health.
i am healthy. i am cancer free. i am ECSTATIC! i cannot begin to express how i feel today. i feel… relieved. i kind of also feel like i cheated death? cuz it totally could have been cancer. it could have been stage 3. i could have been fat and bald from chemo 5 months from now. but i wont be. cuz its not anything to worry about. so why do i feel bittersweet?
all i know is that i am ready to celebrate life! MY life. my HEALTHY life. (and the fact that i get to keep my barely existant tits)… katchafire and rebel souljahz concert this weekend and i hope they stock enough patron at the bar cuz i’m about to shut it down! hahaha.
Jesus walks with me. i am so blessed. enjoy the sunshine!
unicorn status.
feeling a little introspective today and i’d like to pose a question.
do u think utopia is attainable?
like.. do u think its a real place where happiness exudes from your pores and you are left wanting nothing? and i dont mean complacency, but true contentment… where your positive energy elevates you to a place where the air is thin and the lack of oxygen gets you high on life….
my objective in life is to grasp the concept of two things. infinity and utopia. ultimately, to feel utopic till infinity.
how do i get there and where do i start is a question that i ask myself on the daily. is what i’m doing right now conducive to my goal? if it aint, it needs to go. thats one of the reasons why im trying to gave up cigarettes, cuz how the hellz am i supposed to enjoy infinity if i’m busy smoking cancer sticks right? hmm. i think i’m pretty badass in my aspirations to have it all, but does having it all necessarily mean finally being happy??
i’m a woman. and as women, are we ever satisfied? in my experience, NO. i guess my question is, when do i know when to stop pushing myself for a brighter tomorrow and start enjoying the sunshine today? when will today be my utopia?
sometimes i feel the need to unlearn the lies of the culture that surrounds me before its possible to learn the truth about my happiness in life… gah! i’m babbling. but i wanna say one last thing –
that pot of gold is within our reach, i know you can feel it.
p.s. is life sans cigarettes making me looney or WHAT?!
life 1. me 0.
i am not ur superwoman. not today. not right now.
it was the straw that broke the camel’s back and i have reached my breaking point. i feel like screaming or laughing or crying or all of the above but i feel if i do.. i have admitted defeat.
i feel as if the weight of the world is on my back. with trying to be a good wife and mother, a responsible adult, a hard worker, a kick ass writer, a great friend and just maintaing my all around awesomeness… its fucking wearing me down. this grown shit is weighing down my heart. and today i just can’t bear it all.
i can’t do everything! i just CAN’T! not today. not right now.
today, i just wanna be an ordinary girl, with ordinary thoughts doing ordinary tasks with a mundane life. i want to use my free pass today. i want to pass go, collect my $200, and turn in my get out of jail free card. life is a fucking gamble and most of the time the house wins but once in a while u get to hit it big and i keep waiting for my win. i’m still waiting.
i want to just be me. no strings attached. and i guess i’ve learned that i can have everything. i just can’t have everything all at once.
i hope its ok that superman wants to just be clark kent. just for today. just for right now.
“Fresh off the Jess”
amazering.
the other day i was playing this game on aim with my friends… superlatives.. u have to name “the best hair, best eyes, nicest smile, best steez” but it has to be a real person and someone the both of u know. and throughout the day, i started to realize that i have AMMMAAAZZZINNGG people in my life. not just that, but i think that everyone is absolutely amazing. and it kinda blew my mind.
the “who i’d like to meet” section on my myspace says this:
“I believe you deserve everything your heart desires.Im excited about all youre about to experience and what you already have. you deserve an applaud for all your accomplishments because no one gives you enough credit for what youve been through. I admire you for picking yourself up despite all the blows youve taken and trying to get this whole thing right. That pot of gold is within our reach, I know you can feel it. Walk with me til the end of the rainbow. Id love to hear your story. “
and as i was re-reading it yesterday i came to a realization that, this explains so much about my character. i am so excited about life.. my life.. your life.. your experiences.. and i am completely and genuinely interested in what you have to share with me. credit is due where its deserved and i’d like to give it to ya….
sorry, am i talkin outta my ass right now? i woke up waaay to early this morning and am currently high on life.
p.s. life sans cigarettes: day 8. i’m still alive. and i can breathe a lot better. =)
i am SO LIVE.
intoxicating
last week a friend asked me a question that threw my equilibrium off and made my head spin.
“when was the last time u pushed urself to the limit?”
my answer? SILENCE.
for the first time in a long time, i was left speechless. “it shouldnt be this hard” i told myself. i should KNOW this.. but it was hard and i didnt know it and i couldnt answer. i didnt have one interesting story to tell. kinda pathetic yeah? and it bothered me enough that today, a week later, i’m still reflecting on it.
im kind of a scary. im scared of roller coasters, terrified of heights, spiders and i am DEATHLY afraid of the water. so ive always steered clear of shit that’ll put my life in jeopardy such as jumping out of a perflectly good working plane (who does that?) and deep sea diving or whatever.
but u know what? i want my heart to race. i want to feel exhilerated and carefree and i want to FLY. i think a few blogs ago i said, “sometimes u gotta jump if u wanna get lifted.” so maybe i should take my own advice.
u down? i got healthcare. lets do it. BOOM!
Raaachem
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