‘You are glasses.”

this is like needing glasses.  when i was a kid, i would get these headaches and i went to the doctor and they said that i needed glasses. i didnt understand that. it didnt make sense to me because i could see fine and then i get the glasses and i put them  on and im in the car on the way home and suddenly.. i yell.   because the big green blobs that ive been staring at my whole life.. they werent big green blobs.. they were leaves!  on trees!  i could see the leaves..and i didnt even know i was missing the leaves.  i didnt even know that leaves existed and then.. leaves! you are glasses.  — dr. ericka hahn, grey’s anatomy

before i was a mother, i thought i saw the world.  i was a 25-year-old-miss-independent-head-over-heels-in-love-bad-ass-bitch.   last year at this time, i was pregnant with twins, just moved into our first home, and celebrating life.  then i got sideswiped with a twist of fate that i never saw coming… and my vision clouded. my head spun, and i swore i would never see the world with clear eyes again. i just could not understand. i just WOULD not understand.  i was existing, and not LIVING.   
i reflect on the last year, i see the soul searching, and the pleading and the tears.. i also see the inquisition in my son’s eyes.. the way his teeth are growing in just a little bit crooked, the way he loves bananas and climbing on the bed and listening to his papa sing..  and i realize that he is my glasses.   since he has been in my life, the world has been different.  my vision was not clouded.. it was just changed.  i no longer see the world in regards to myself, but i see it for him.   he has changed my entire being, and no wonder!!!!  i have been waiting for the world to go back to the way it was before, but it  never will be, because have been irrevocably changed from the inside out.   i see that.  i understand that.  i accept that. 
its about forgiveness.  forgiving myself.  accepting that i could not have foreseen what happened, nor been able to change it.  not blaming myself, or God, for something that had always been in His plan for me..  this is never the road i imagined taking, but exactly the path i’m supposed to be on. i know that now. one step at a time.   Adonis is my glasses and my shit is 20/20. i can see me. 

One comment

  1. tina · December 4, 2008

    first can i say that i hate HAHN! second, what she said was very sweet and it would be nice to hear that said to me… lol.

    r u foreal foreal about rock climbing? indoor or outdoor?

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