hot mess.

the only rule i ever follow when going out is..

always always ALWAYS keep my composure.
even after 14 shots of patron and my stomach hates me, and my liver wants to run for dear life, and i’m sweating like a pig in the mojave, i always make sure my makeup is on point and i have no wardrobe malfunctions and my hair still looks somewhat decent with all the perspiration.
i mean, whats the point of doing ANYTHING if u dont look good doing it?
and then there’s the rest of the female population. the girls who think walking barefoot on the urine-stained cement is OK because their cheap shoes hurt. or the girl who almost twists her cankles even though she’s walking barefoot on a flat sidewalk. the girls who scream “I’M SO WASTED” at the top of her lungs because she thinks the person standing 2 inches away from her can’t hear her. the girls who’s dress (that’s actually supposed to be a top) has ridden up and become a top again and she walkin around lookin like she left her pants in the bathroom.
u know who i’m talkin about.
im talkin about the girls who come to the club hot, and become an absolute hot mess in 4 shots flat.
don’t get it twisted, im all about having a good time. debauchery is one of my favorite things… but the one thing i believe separates the ladies from the club rats is the ability for her to maintain while inebriated. its not a good look falling on ur ass while ur left nip slips in front of 600 strangers on stage. and although your friends might laugh and forgive you for showing ur panties while tryin to get low, i will be the one taking pictures of your cottage cheese ass and posting it on facebook, while my friends and i thank the lord jesus christ that we dont look like you. truuusstt. so please remember to be easy!

a few months back i was out with some friends and while standing outside to hit a stoge, i watch this chick walk out to the smoking area. she was FFLLYYYY… makeup was on point, not a hair strand out of place and her outfit was smokin. i then watched as she walked to the corner, bow her head, and proceed to throw up the hennessey she just downed. after she was done, she popped a mint in her mouth and lit up a marlboro menthol light. my good friend FD then walked over to her and said, “You are the prettiest girl thats ever yacked.”

Pretty Girl, whoever you are… you are my hero. and apparently, you are also a very pretty drunk.


  1. Mouf.Peace · April 27, 2009

    yessss, DRUNK BUT NEVER SLOPPY. mandatory rule of going out! although i do believe we have to be “THAT GIRL” at least once in our life. lol. JUST ONCE. p.s. my captcha word for writing this comment is “rachies” haha they know! me, no matter how drunk i get i manage to tie my hair and NOT throw up on my shoes i have NO IDEA how i do that.

  2. rio tapatio · April 27, 2009

    hahahah…. you are very right about that.

    ability to maintain yourself while inebriated…while the club rats run amok….


  3. yoshi · April 27, 2009

    HAHAHAHHA – i may be a clown when i’m drunk, but i sure as hell will be making sure my lipstick is kept within the lines so i don’t LOOK like a clown… oh yea.. throwing up under the stairs and coming back to the dance floor like nothing happened… classic jess.

  4. lifeonmyside · April 27, 2009

    sloppy isn’t a good look. for anyone. haha

    ps. i admire the fact that you always have something inspiring and relatable to talk abotu on your blog. 🙂

  5. Miss.Stefanie · April 27, 2009

    I keep tight and never sloppy. Girls who think its cute to be a douche irritate me. Great post my fly mamas!

  6. kng · April 27, 2009

    this is why you are so cool.

  7. Gemx2 · May 4, 2009

    I love your blog. You just say it exactly how I think it! This one is right on the dot. Do you mind if I quote you and post it as a note on my facebook?? This shits the bizness alright. Gettin’ down to the nitty gritty!

  8. Anonymous · May 7, 2009

    talk talk talk, girls that claim they “keep composure” forget to mention its because a plug is up their….

  9. Raaachem · May 7, 2009

    P.s. I love anonymous hater comments. They are so entertaining! 😉

  10. Pingback: What The Hellz?! » Blog Archive » u can find me in the club.

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