married.. with children

im not big on writing about matters of the heart.. only cuz i believe some things should be kept between u and ur significant other. if i want my business out on front street, i would put it there. and even tho i’m a blogger, i’m on twitter, fb, imeem, meebo, etc etc and most aspects of my life are pretty public.. i still value my anonymity.

but this week i’ve stumbled across some situations, not only within my own relationship but with my friend’s as well and i just had to speak about it. and i apologize in advance if this feels like its all over the place, cuz this is just one of those that wont be proofread.

love and marriage. go together like a horse and carriage..this i tell u brother, you can’t have one without the other? not necessarily. although i grew up thinking that love and marriage are interdependent on each other (if ur in love, u plan to get married. and u wouldnt get married without being in love, right?) most of my adult life has been spent realizing that this in fact, is not the case.

i’ve seen friends who have been together FOREVER… kids, a house, a thousand cars and a lifetime later they still arent married. they’re actually barely in love. and they’ve just realized that maybe they shouldnt be together. i’ve watched others get married for every reason other than love, and then seen the nasty divorce and child custody battle that follows.

love without marriage and marriage without love. i absulutely think the former is acceptable and in some cases more favorable, and that the latter should be a sin.. but in both scenarios my question is… where’s the fairytale? maybe its just the girly girl in me but i always invisioned this “love” thing to be “happily ever after” like snow white or cinderella.

but u know what? people change and forget to tell each other. people fall in and out of love and break up over petty shit. people just dont seem to be worth it. people work and grow and i thought the whole point of being with someone is to work towards a common dream and grow with each other right? so what happens when u find urselves on sepearate pages in different chapters of your story?? to make anything work takes a lot of compromise and lateral movement to meet in the middle. “but if you have to move backwards to meet him in the middle, then its not worth it. you can’t go backwards. ” – mama hayati.

and i absolutely believe that two people can fall in love again, even after falling out of love and falling into complacenency with one another. i also believe that sometimes, love just isnt enough. and other times love isnt really love. its the fear of being alone, or its being too comfortable with each other, or its just plain selfishness. dont cheat yourself out of something amazing and vow to be able to tell the difference.

i’ve been with my husband for 7 years. people always say marriage changes everything. it kind of does.. and it kind of doesnt. the only difference between being married and not, is that breaking up is not an option. but then again, it never was for me.

they say love makes the world go round, but its what keeps my world together. after all the blood, sweat, and tears… love is what’s left.. and for me, love is what makes it all worth it.


  1. Gemx2 · May 7, 2009

    love it. I swear, we have the same brain wave or something!

  2. Mouf.Peace · May 7, 2009

    *sigh* u got taht right – love is NEVER enough. it will bring 2 people togther but love alone does not guarantee they STAY together.

  3. Miss.Stefanie · May 7, 2009

    I agree…love is not riding on its on. There other elements associated with it to keep two people together!

  4. rio tapatio · May 7, 2009

    Holla mama.
    It’s good to know there are couples out there that work through everything regardless. 🙂

  5. MAIRNESS · May 7, 2009

    I’m totally feeling your blog Rach.

  6. Sue · May 7, 2009

    Totally agree with the whole break-up thing. I often hear ppl say marriage is the same but you’re right, when you’re married it’s different simply because it’s not a “break-up” anymore, it’s a divorce. And for some ppl, including myself, divorce is just not an option.

    “To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.” Those words are so annoyingly powerful! When I feel like kicking my husband in the face (hahah), I think, “FUCK! I made a commitment to this jerk, shit!” Then I think of my vows and realize it will never be as easy as it was before to throw in the towel….because I love him and I’m committed.

    OMG, sorry for the life story..It’s just your blogs are so thought provoking 😉

    Keep ’em coming!

  7. Raaachem · May 7, 2009

    Gem – haha… that just means we’re meant to be friens. =)

    Sue – i totally feel u! there are times when i lay in bed and ponder the ramifcations of SMOTHERING my husband.. but after all is said and done he’s still my husband. for better or for worse right??

    how come no one ever told us how much WORK it would be chasing rainbows?

  8. BetseyJ · May 8, 2009

    damnnn girl.
    loved ittt.

    reposting this on my bloggg.

  9. kng · May 8, 2009

    you’re right.

  10. Jenille · May 8, 2009

    Rach, I love this post – it couldn’t be any more profound.

    Being the first married one of the group, there are certainly growing pains…and having a kid certainly doesn’t make marriage any easier, right?

    They say, nothing changes when you get married but I think it does. It takes a lot of work! But, I grow more in love with my husband than I did 13 years ago but it’s a different feeling, it’s a lasting feeling working towards that common goal.

    But, shhh…don’t tell him that. 😉

    Love your posts, Rach!

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