blissfully uneventful sundays are my forte.
i spent mother’s day in my sweats, at home, playing with Adonis. We visited Mateo’s gravesite and ate applesauce and cookies in the sunshine and I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE.
i can finally say that i’m at a place where ive forgiven myself. i’ve stopped asking myself if i could have done anything different. i’ve stopped going over it in my head again and again and again. and it feels AMAZING. and although i still don’t feel whole, my heart does not feel empty. i spent yesterday feeling… joyous.
mike and i took our mamas out last night to dinner and i looked at them and understood. i understand what it means to love someone more than i possibly thought i could love anyone. i remember when i fell in love for the first time.. i was actually amazed that someone could feel so deeply about someone else… then when i fell in love with mike i felt like…. i loved him so much that my heart was gonna explode into a thousand pieces. i didnt think there was room in my soul for anymore love… and then i met our son. and its like that, times a gazillion and one plus infinity and beyond.
growing up my mom used to always preach to me. in between all the “buwisit” and the “puneta” and the “mag sisise ka pag wala ka ng magulang” (yes i’m a fob AND WHAT?) she would always say that i would never understand her until i have children of my own. and betcha by golly wow she was right. and i’m sure she was always right, i was just too hard headed and self absorbed to realize it. and i know everyone goes thru the growing pains of life, but my mom has been absolutely on point about all my pain of growing. i now believe that she’s a genius. and u bet ur ass she still says “buwisit” and “puneta” but u can also bet ur right leg that what she says no longer goes in one ear and out the other. and god, i appreciate her.
motherhood is the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. its the biggest responsibility of my life. its also the most rewarding. it never fails to teach me lessons that i’ve never learned and to surprise me with happiness i’ve never known. i also know that its the most worthwhile task that will ever be asked of me, and i’m completely game for whatever comes next.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, YO!
Awww Rach, forgiving ourselves is hard. Losing my daughter took all the strength I had in me to forgive myself wondering what I could have done differently, but Ive came to the point when I realized, God just wanted his angel back.
You’re a great mom…But most of all an amazing friend! Im happy you had a wonderful day! 143 mamitas!
You are one of the best writers I have come across. I thouroughly enjoy your willingness to share your world with the rest of us. Truely amazing.
Stef – never in our arms.. always in our hearts. besos.
lc – thank you thank you thank you. i genuinely appreciate that, and you.. as a reader. =)
What beautiful, sincere words! I can’t wait to read more (and shed a tear or two along the way.)