so i’ve been stuck in a blogging rut.  every attempt at being funny, or witty, or remotely interesting has been an instant fail.  trying to find inspiration to write about anything other than what i’m about to write about has been an EPIC fail.

so i figure i should just write about what i’ve been trying to avoid writing about and get this shit off my chest so i can clear the slate for other shit and get back to being charming and funny and sensible… here we go.

the one word that i hate more than than “conversate” or “understoodable” is “CANCER.”    

after my recent cancer scare turned out to be nothing, i didnt really think anything of it…  so when my mom said they found a lump in her breast i brushed it off..

“dont worry mama, i had the same thing, its called a fibroadenoma.  you’re fine!” 

i couldnt have been more wrong. 

and even now, one week after the news, im still in shock.  i refuse to believe that my mother is anything less than perfectly healthy, and the idea of her not being around makes me sick to my stomach.   and i can’t wrap my head around the fact that surgery + radiation + hormone therapy is the next course of action… it sounds like chinese to me… i just dont get it.

and i know that cancer does not equal a death sentence.  i know stage 2 cancer is curable and it could be much much worse.. i know this.  but i FEEL differently.  i feel like its not fucking fair that my mom – the most loving, caring, overbearing, best hug giver and spam cooker ever – is going through this.    why her and not me?  i’m stronger than she is, physically and emotionally. i can take it….    i dont know if she can.

and really,  i have no well thought out ending for this blog, or even a light note to leave u with, cuz i’m writing this one for ME.  to vent my frustrations and my worries and the fact that i’m literally scared to death of whats going to happen…  

but i do know this..   cancer will not win.  we will see the day that cancer dies.   and then i’m throwin the fuckin farewell party of the century.