on being his mother.

some women say that being a mother came naturally.  that seeing their child for the first time created an unbreakable bond felt deep within their soul.   some women say that all of a sudden, they thought like a mother, acted like a mother.   some women say when you’re a mother, you just know.  you know what to do, how to act, and that motherly instinct takes over.

i am not that woman.

my pregnancy was not a standard one.  i wasnt told i was having twins until my third ultrasound at 14 weeks.   the odds of having identical twin boys were nil, 0.4%… thats zero point four percent, just in case you didnt read that correctly.  my husband and i were kicked out of the condo we were renting because the owner was selling it..  and then we lost one of our twins after a minor car accident the day after christmas.

for those of you who have ever miscarried a child at 7 months, the grief is overwhelming.   you know what i’m talking about, it does not need to be explained.  however, my circumstances were quite different. i still had Adonis.   and he came a week later….  i didnt expect to give birth the way i did, the day i did.   the first time i looked at Adonis, i cried.

partly because of all the circumstances surrounding his birth, but partly because i didnt feel as connected to him as i thought i should have.  partly because i looked at him, and saw — someone i didnt know.   i felt… detatched.  his chance of survival increased with everyday, but i was still terrified of feeling for someone that might not be there tomorrow, or next week, or next month.

as adonis came home for the first time, i would look at him and feel guilty.   i would only see his face when i should be seeing double.  it hurt.   i was TERRIFIED of sleeping, of waking up and losing the one that God let me keep as if he was some sort of punishment or if i didnt deserve the blessing.

after pushing past the guilt, praying past the grief, i finally learned how to embrace motherhood.  but it did not come naturally or easy.  it was difficult, sleepless, fun, exhausting, surprising, overwhelming, and absolutely worthwhile all at the same time.  i opened my heart to to someone that is nothing short of magnificent…and although at times i felt so frustrated and so lost and so stupid that i questioned myself,  at other times all i had to do was look at his face cuz this love is so strong it feels like i can’t breathe…

some of my friends tell me they’re ready to be a mother, that they have the motherly instinct, that they already act like a mother to their brothers, sisters, or friends…   i say bullshit.  you are not prepared for the overwhelming amount of love you feel for a child you give life to.  you are not prepared for the endless number of days you can go on without any sleep.  you are not prepared for the surprising acts of selflessness you find yourself doing on a daily basis.

but thats the beauty of it all.   being a mother teaches you that you DIDN’T KNOW SHIT.  but you’re learning about it with every baby step, and every little cough, and every baby word.  you learn.  and its nothing less than amazing.

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6 comments

  1. doowaditty · October 12, 2009

    AWWWWW. and every “elmo,” every endless poop, and every “let me touch aunty abi’s arm just ever so slightly until she feels uneasy but still smiles cuz when she looks over she sees its cute lil old me breathing on her.”

  2. ray · October 13, 2009

    this is very heartfelt. I don’t know you personally but just by reading some of your posts you are a very strong individual and your son is blessed to have such a loving and caring mother. the support system around you and your son must be nothing less than amazing.

  3. zsa-zsa · October 13, 2009

    rach you’re amazing. =)

  4. Queenie · October 13, 2009

    This had me lightweight tearing at my desk.

    Abi – “Big Bob.” Adonis did that to my leg. Lol. And on Friday, he was trying to lift my shirt to tickle my back because Rach said that’s what he does to her. Weird but SOOOOO CUTE! Lol

    • doowaditty · October 15, 2009

      lmao Q isn’t it weird? it’s like funny but slighty creepy but since it’s coming from adonis it’s cute. but u totally have no idea what’s goin on at first and then u look over and it’s this little person and then he looks at u with that, “whattup girl. yah it’s me. u know it is.” and that’s when i turn to rach and say, “rachel look at ur son.” LMAO. omg ok bye.

  5. Rio · October 14, 2009

    So articulate.
    I really felt what you had to say, by no means do I have a kid yet, but this is honest. You’re a human first before you’re a mother and you actually gotta learn that shit, how to raise a child. It’s not something embedded into you and your being, but love is.

    And sounds like you love your baby well:)

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