a lil ditty i wrote for hellz.

there was an old lady.. who lived in her shoes. they were jimmy choo’s. 

last night i was sitting in my sister’s room oogling over the Jimmy Choo for H&M release.    I am so freakin excited i plan on camping out in the cold SF streets and being the first ones in line for the first ever clothing that has Jimmy Choo’s name on it. and of course, the bags and the shoes.   the freakin SHOES. 

i already know its gonna be bananas (i remember the Stella McCartney for H&M release.  i came home with scratches on my arm and a bruised rib)  so this time i came up with a game plan.   ladies and gents, if you’re ever in line for a sample sale, a limited release, or anything of the sort.. these tips might help.

1.  do ur research.   know exactly what pieces you want and what size you need.  for instance, i’m getting that blue suede dress in a euro size 8, and the shoes in a euro size 5.   wont that be a bitch when you get ur true size and that shit is too small or too big cuz u didnt realize that euro sizes are different?  

2.  wear tight fitting clothes.  leggings and a wife beater is my staple wardrobe for this kind of event.  why?   because while other bitches are taking off their blazers and tee to try on that jumper,  you’ll already be looking at urself with that shit over ur clothes.   and what do u know.. it fits like a glove.  

3. wear closed toe, flat shoes.    or REALLY COMFORTABLE closed toe heels, wedges, whatever. just make sure ur toes arent out cuz bitches be STOMPIN and there’s no time to be cryin about a lost pinky toe.  

4.  wear a fanny pack.     i pull out my gucci waist bag cuz im  gonna need both arms — one to hold bitches back/elbow the bitch in ur grill , and the other to take the last size 28 pants.   trust me, the girls you’ll beat out will all have big ass bags on their shoulders..

5.  leave ur phone in the fanny.   or better  yet, wear a bluetooth!   cant be havin no distractions while you’re stepping over the 4’10” girls for that last zebra clutch.   if its important, they’ll call back.  if they askin u to get something for them, they shoulda gone with you.  

6. make sure u have enough funds.   sounds ridiculous but it happens to the best of us.   u get to the counter and realize u left ur checkbook at home, or you didnt make that transfer from ur savings acct to ur checking acct.   save urself the embarassment and prep before hand + a lil extra JUST IN CASE.  =)

7.  wear ur hair up.   some girls throw elbows.   others pull hair.  im  just sayin. 

8.  tag team it.   if u know anything about basketball,  u know its all about ZONE COVERAGE.   you take the left side, ur bff takes the right.  you take pieces for the both of you and you’re done in half the time…  plus, you have another set of hands should any of you get into an altercation.  lol. 

alright there u go.  on November 14, u can find me in a sleeping bag at the powell st h&m putting these tactics to use.  i plan on putting aside an entire paycheck for these…  trust me when i say THAT SHIT IS MINE.   g’luck ladies! =)