I just spent all day at the courthouse doing my due diligence as an american citizen and reporting for jury duty. If its one thing I hate, its to be somewhere I dont have to be, listen to someone else’s problems and sit next to a stranger with bad breath and another who’s coughing like he has emphysema. After pleading my hardship case to the judge on why I can not be a juror for this case, I’ve been let go and I feel like I just got outta jail.
Tips from my peoples who have been in this sutation before definitely got me thru today with flying colors. So, since everyone is gonna have to go thru it SOMETIME, I’m writing this for all of you who have to sit through 5+ hours of boredom. or hell. same difference.
p.s. i know i been givin yall a buncha lists lately but lists are my forte, ok? its how i organize my life.
HOW TO SURVIVE JURY DUTY.
1. sit far far away. as i mentioned before, i got sandwiched in between two people reeking of fumes and sickness. i sat in the middle of the chairs, hoping no one would sit next to me, and voila. i got to share air with people who dont believe in hygiene. dont worry about looking like a loner loser cuz EVERYONE THERE IS BY THEMSELVES. find a corner where you dont have to share air with anyone and save urself the burning nose hair.
2. bring your life. i mean, your laptop, the book ur reading, ur phone, ur taxes, ur homework, WHATEVER will pass the fucking time. take advantage of the free wi-fi in the building. Facebook saves ur life in times like this. real talk. Also, this saves u from looking like a loser staring at your shoelaces to actually looking like you’re important and/or have important things to do.
3. bring food. how embarrassing is it in a quiet ass room and all of a sudden ur stomach lets out a grumble. eat something before u leave, or bring something to snack on. when i get hungry, i get grumpy. and grumpy + bored is not a good combination.
4. be biased. my husband was summoned to be a juror in the Scott Peterson trial. when he was asked to tell the judge about his thoughts he stood up in front of the courthouse and said “He did it He killed his pregnant wife. Bastard.” 2 seconds later he was in the car on his way home. There aint no quicker way to be let go than to say that a) you think the defendant did it, b) you’re a racist and you hate _____ (insert race of defendant here) or c) the same thing happened to you, your brother, or your mom so u have a vested personal interest in the cause. You dont necessarily have to really believe these things, but saying it will send ur lying, bigot ass home.
5. have your hardship plea prepared. excusable hardships include a pre-existing medical condition, not being able to speak english, being broke and not being able to afford a day off of work, ur work not paying for jury duty, or a pre-paid vacation. now, since i didnt have proof of any of these things, (and really didnt wanna call myself a racist in front of a room full of people), i decide the next best thing was to create an excuse. 3 texts later and my girl Queen booked me on a flight to LA for next tuesday, with my email confirmation being proof that “I cannot be on the jury because I wont be in town for the duration of the trial”. and just like that, i’m outta there! one phone call to southwest later, and I’ve been fully refunded the $40 I paid for the one way ticket. GENIUS if i do say so myself.
And now that I’m exempt from serving on a jury for the remainder of the year, can I just say that its nice to not be at work on a Wednesday? Happy Hump Day, yo!