[ok, i can’t stay away. sue me.]
I thought I’d write something different… something from the normal “FML” or the “LML” or even the shit takling. Something with no words of wisdom or LOL moments. Just something from me to you. I promise you, the only thing that makes me cool is the ability to laugh at myself and all my awkwardness (which didn’t come to me until after this story).
The following story is a recount of the most embarassing moment of my life. Here goes.
It was the fall of 1997. I was 15 years old.. a freshman at an all girls Catholic Preporatory High School. I had braces and I had not yet discovered the wonders of hot wax, let alone tweezers, so I walked around with two caterpillars on my face and called them eyebrows.
I was one of 3 Freshman in a Sophomore science class. For those of you who don’t quite understand the ferocity of pubecent girls tryin to one-up each other, this class was the bane of my existance. Its hard enough being a freshman, not knowing anyone, but to be in a class of older girls who only have you to pick on is NOT THE BIZNESS. (Prolly why I turned into such a bitch once I hit upperclassman status. Its a vicious cycle)
So we’re sittin there, learning about inheritance patterns and DNA and good shit like that. Ms. Levitt asks the class about brown eyes vs blue eyes and how the gene would look should the mother have one and the father have the other. I’m totally gettin it (i’m part Chinese so school was a breeze) so I raise my hand like the smartass I think I am. Cuz even if these bitches talk shit about me, my ex boyfriend, or whatever the hell they liked to say about me, they couldnt say SHIT about my A grade.
I give my “heterozygous carrier” answer and then begin to explain the genotype. The correct answer, and the answer I was trying to explain was BbDd. “Big B, little b, Big D, little d.” Simple enough right? wrong. what happened next was something so horrendously mortifying it still haunts me to this day.
What came out of my mouth was “Big B, Little B. BIG DIG, Little D” Now, its kind of a tongue twister and I’m kind of a fob so instead of saying Big D.. I said Big Dig. Just like I say Farty Pavor or Trench Foast. So to me, it wasn’t a big deal. but in a room full of catty bitches to scrutinize ur every move…. Big dig sounds a lot like BIG DICK.
Which is why all heads turned to me in horror and a wave of laughter shook the classroom.
“We know what YOU’RE thinking about”
“I can’t believe she just said BIG DICK in class”
Can I just say… FML was an understatement.
(Lemme just clear the air for a second. I had a boyfriend, a senior at a local public school… we had been together for about a year, he was hot. But, I was still a virgin. I was in love, but I was only 15 and did not feel I was mature enough to partake in such grown behavior.)
I think I was the highlight of conversation for a good 3 weeks with bitches passing by me in the hallway saying, “Big dick, huh?” NO YOU DIMWITTED WASTE OF A VAGINA, I SAID BIG DIG! D-I-G! What I wouldnt have done to be able to mollywop a bitch without consequence. God.
And even tho I was also the girl who did a thousand other things…. I spent the next 2 years hiding my face since I was that girl… that girl who said big dick in bio.