life!

“i used to think that life was a thing gaining impetus.  it would get richer and deeper each year. you kept learning more, getting wiser, having more insight, going further into the truth — and now u know its not like that.  right?  its more like smoking a cigarette.  the first few puffs it tastes wonderful, and u dont even think of its ever being used up.  then u begin taking it for granted .  suddenly you realize that its nearly burned down to the end.  and then’s when you’re conscious of the bitter taste. 

i suppose living’s a habit like smoking. you keep saying you’re going to give it up, but you go right on.”  — The Sheltering Sky by Paul Bowles

as a child, u don’t necessarily realize how crazy life really is.  your biggest concern is which sandwich ur mom packed u for lunch, or that you spelled Emancipation Proclamation correctly on ur last book report.   formal education is seemingly the only education we’re going to need in our adult life and i went thru most of my adolesence with the idea that everything came second to school. 

 i couldn’t figure out why i still felt a need for belonging.   i had enough extra cirricular activities and a great group of friends, but this penetrating state of being incomplete shook me so deeply at times, i wondered if i was going crazy.    blaming it on my youth, i thought everything came with age…  knowledge, truth, love.  the 18 year old me will figure it out…the 21 year old me will figure it out.. the 25 year old me will figure it out…  because everything i ever dreamt of having as a child was imagined for a future me.. an older me.  

then i got older and the 27 year old me doesn’t have it all figured out. 

but somewhere along the line i got to the point of realization that pursuing intellect didnt satiate my soul like finding out how my friends were feeling did.

.. and my life changed.  

and i realized that everything i want now, as an adult, i had as a child.   innocent friendships instead of business relationships.  peanut butter lunch dates and recess.  RECESS!   we put our pencils and tests down and took the time out to PLAY!   now i can’t go on vacation without my smart phone and 167954 work emails.  

*sigh*

so please know that when i ask you how you are, i am genuinely interested.   and if i call you a friend, know that its friends first, business second.  It’s not what you know, its who you know right?   and the more completely i know you, the more completely i know myself.    i’m still figuring it out, but i’ll let u know how it goes.

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One comment

  1. Sue · March 7, 2010

    “and the more completely i know you, the more completely i know myself.” Love it.

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