please don’t turn me off.

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this, but did you all know that most of my closest friends are single?  And in our pursuit to find my single friends suitable mates, we’ve noticed that most of the time, guys with potential are their own worst enemy.   Plain and simple, they ruin it for themselves doing a number of unnecessary things.   There’s nothing worse than a guy who goes from HOT to NOT due to his own devices.  

Keri Hilson said it best..  “You’re fly as hell, swagga right, brown skin, poppin, know just how to talk to me, know just how I like it, you’re turnin’ me on.   Now wait a minute lil’ busta, u got one more time to feel on my booty, betta’ recognize a lady, that ain’t the way you do me, you’re turnin’ me off. ” 

Consider this my effort to increase the man pool and help a dude (and my girlfriends) out — cuz really, if I were a boy, I’d totally date my friends … and they’d prolly let me git it too.  

– Cleanliness is next to Godliness.  My sister went on a date once with this really good looking guy.  When he picked her up for their first date, she got in his car.. which smelled like HOT BREATH.   Their first date was also their last.  

My girlfriend finally got the guy she was eyein’ into bed.  The next morning while picking up her clothes off the floor, she noticed his briefs had skid marks on them.  To this day, he is her only One Night Stand.    

Guys, please listen to your mother.  Brush your teeth, wash your face, and take a fucking shower because bad breath, craters on your face, and body odor are just plain disgusting.   If you keep it clean, the ladies will keep it comin’. 

The bulge.   Use the bulge wisely.   Do not wear pants tighter than mine because they make your bulge look bigger.  Do not blatantly grab your goods while making eye contact (creepy!) and do not, I repeat, do NOT rub your bulge against any female unless asked.  

Most of the time, if we’re not engaged in a sexual act, we want nothing to do with your penis.  (Which is why I don’t like watching straight porn because seeing the penis of a man I’m not attracted to is just GROSS.) 

Whatchu’ lookin’ at? No really, what are you looking at?  Staring problems are exactly that — problems!  It’s an amazing feeling when a girl can hold a man’s gaze for a second longer than it should have been, but when that second turns into three, of ten, or 5 minutes or two hours we don’t care how cute you are!    Please believe one of our platonic guy friends are pretending to be our boyfriends for the rest of the night. 

The awkward text.   It’s happened to everyone… with that guy that you’re just friends with — who’s cute and charming and funny — but still a strictly platonic friend.  Then one day you check your phone and see it.

“I wanna cuddle with you.”   Ok really?   You want a cuddy buddy or do you want a cutty buddy?   

“That made my dick hard.”  Eww Eww Ewwwww!   Who What Where When Why the FUCK?!

If you’re tryin’ to plant the seed in our head that maybe we could be something more, this is not the way to go.  Texts like these don’t plant seeds.  They grow weeds!  You’ll go from being the cute and charming friend to the creepy guy we don’t wanna hang out with for awhile.    Cuz even tho it might have been something we’d wanna hear, we DEFINITELY DON’T WANNA HEAR IT FROM YOU, especially if it came outta left field.  

Alright.   For those of you who would like to heed my words of advice, my girls and I will be out and about this Saturday.  Catch them if u can.   For the rest of you… just stop it already.  You’re totally ruining it for yourself!

**Editor’s Note** As realized this weekend, names are quite important.  It astounds me how parents can name their children things like “Richard” when their last name is “Dick” making his name Dick Dick.  (true story)  And although some names aren’t THAT bad, a bad name can have you lookin like an Adonis one second and like a Paleontologist  the next.   Beware.  Or at least, give yourself a good nickname.    Kilt. 
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7 comments

  1. ReptarParker · March 7, 2010

    I just suggested this to stumbleupon. It’s the highest form of appreciation I can bestow, Mrs. Bizness.

  2. Queenie · March 8, 2010

    I’m still waiting on that Editor’s Note. Lol

    Tomorrow’s Tuesday and I’m not even a lil bit excited. KILT IT!!

    • Raaachem · March 8, 2010

      Editor’s note complete. KILT… it’s ok tho, you’ll always have xiang.!!! HAAAAAAAAAAHAHA.

  3. doowaditty · March 8, 2010

    haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. and i remember both of u got mad at xiang at first ‘cuz yall thought it was too fobby. has a nice lil ring to it now though doesn’t it?! p.s. rach i was trying to get ur attention all night during dinner sat. so i could wink at u and have u hate me after but i was too busy eating lol.

  4. Queenie · March 9, 2010

    Hahaha Abi!! I winked at Rach before savasana on Sunday but I think she was too tired to be mad at me. Lol

    I’ll always love Xiang Yuen Zhao. The paleontologist however, not so much!

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