Since I’ve been going to Bikram everyday, I’ve gotten really up close and personal with the people who choose to sit in my personal space…that really hairy guy in front of me who looks like he’s wearing a sweater, for instance.  Or how about the big burly white guy to my right who smells like cornflakes, or the nice looking woman to my left who smells like urine when she bends down. (GROSSSSS)  I’ve had more asses in my face than Tupac, and strange people’s sweat no longer bother me.  Cheesy feet in my face?  Just try me! 

But the one thing I cannot get used to is hair on women.   As a woman myself, I go to great lengths to get rid of unecessary hair.   Shaving, tweezing, threading, waxing — u name it, I do it.  And for women with a low threshold for pain, it doesn’t take that long to take a razor to your legs, or your armpits, or even your vagina for that matter.

I cannot FATHOM why attractive women think its ok to have legs that look like cat scratching posts, or pit hair long enough to braid.   BUT to each her own and if that shit tickles ur pickle then so be it.  But in a room full of people thisclose to you, here are my tips to at least TRY and be somewhat considerate. 

1.   Wear pants..and sleeves.  If you’re French, lazy, or just plain gross and have hair where a woman shouldn’t have hair, please wear pants.   When class is packed and your leg grazes mine, I don’t want it to feel like a man’s.   And armpit hair should be contained to inside a shirt, NOT lookin’ like Rip Van Winkle’s beard peekin out ur elbows.   PLEASE.  

2.  Keep your feet clean.   Trim your toenails, clean in between ur toes, and take care of all that dead skin.   How your shoes even go ON your feet amaze me.   And if you have an issue with having smelly feet, wash them!   Wear deodorizers!  SOMETHING!!!   Last week I couldn’t stop smelling cheese and I spent 10 minutes tryin to figure out where it was coming from.   I took a timeout to smell myself — nope, not my feet, my pek pek, or my armpits.   Phew.   Leaned over to my right.. *sniff*  Nope, not her.   Leaned over to my left…. *sniff* Nope, he smelled like cereal.    I couldn’t figure it out for the life of me until we finally finished with the standing series and started on the floor.   The guy in front of me (who was wearin’ straight PANTIES) had his feet about 6 inches from my face and the Cheddar was overwhelming to say the least.   I thought my nose hairs were burning.   THAT SHIT IS NOT THE BIZNESS.  Fix that! 

3.  Wear tighter shorts OR better panties.   I used to sit in the back, because I was new and thought only sucky people sat in the back.  (lol)   One day this nice unassuming lady came to sit in front of me….   No problem.    We start with the floor series and during Dhanurasana (Bow pose) her shorts kind of creeped up and showed me all her goodies…. Whick kind of resembled hairy roast beef.   Needless to say,  I no longer sit in the back of the room and i will NEVER look at roast beef the same again.   

4.  Use deodorant.   Kind of ridiculous cuz its prolly not gonna work anyway, you still stink and are drenched in your own sweat.   But when the room starts smelling like onions, do YOU really wanna be the reason why?  

5.  Or even better — HO BATH.  During Dandayamana Bibhaktapada Paschimottanasana (or Standing Seperate Leg Stretch) you’re lucky to get someone who doesn’t stink, or is courteous enough about their sweat to lay their towel over yours so as not to contaminate your space (thanks, btw.)   The other 99.5% of the time, the person’s ass who’s in your face during the swan dive down prolly hasn’t been wiped or washed since that morning.   (They need to make the tabo a law.)  Be courteous and at least TRY and ho bath before bikram?   I’ll even give you a box of baby wipes to start — cuz if I get another pee-smelling ass in my face, I’m gonna gag out loud.  

Alright yo, catch me at the studio.  I’m the girl with the coconut water and the Hellz towel.  Come say hi =)