Fellas, friends, and family alike… Please make note of the following:
When asking a female to go “out” (read: somewhere other than the grocery store/gas station) it’s always a good idea to give her a buffer of about 20 minutes to get ready. AT LEAST. If it’s unimportant, and all I have to do is brush my teeth and take the crust out my eyes, all I ned is 2. But if I have to be around normal people or even [GASP!] be in a picture or 50, please believe I’m doing my best to make sure I don’t look like death. In fact, I’ll even do better than that — I’ll make sure I look better than her. and her. Oh and especially her.
We no longer want to hear you complain about how “long” it takes us to get ready. Because even tho God has blessed us with a pretty face, God also invented make-up and curling irons. We have no qualms with going out in denim and a white V-neck (my fave on guys too, btw) but if we’re paintin’ the town red please expect the following five things to happen in the 2 hours we take to get ready.
1. Drop it like its hot. You ever see a girl and you wonder how she got alla that in there? It’s cuz she spent about 5 minutes sucking her stomach in to get her pants ON, then another 5 minutes squatting, lunging, and droppin’ the booty to the floor so her skinny jeans give just the right amount of stretch in all the right places. Who invented the skinny jean, anyway? Bet he laughs everytime he sees his wife in the mirror tryna booty drop.
2. Fix my face. I may not be the most beautiful girl in the world, or hell even in the room but I do know that I’m not ugly. That doesn’t stop me from pulling out my MAC brushes and covering up that brand new pimple on my chin, drawin’ the Amy Winehouse liner, and makin’ sure my lip gloss say poppin. When it’s appropriate, your women like to FEEL as beautiful as you think they are and in all honesty, a lil makeup is that genie in a bottle.
3. Find out what our friends are wearing. “No wonder it takes you so long to get ready, you spend half the time on the godamn phone.” Yes, we do. Cuz we don’t wanna be the only girl wearing a mini-dress when everyone else is wearing jeans and a hoodie. Cuz we don’t wanna be THAT girl wearing the same outfit as that OTHER girl, especially if that other girl is one of our friends. Cuz if our more-stylish girlfriend doesn’t like what we’re wearing, we have the opportunity to change. Because friends don’t let friends step out of the house ugly. Which leads me to number 4…….
4. Change. Again, and again, and again. If you’ve ever seen us stand in front of our closet taking inventory, its not cuz we’re stuck on stupid (ok, sometimes we are) but its cuz we’re too lazy to physically try shit on. We’re mentally going thru the “what if I pair this with that” process in our heads. Changing gets tiring and after more than 4 outfit changes, I usually just give the fuck up and end up wearing the denim and white vneck. lol.
5. Ask your opinion. ‘How do I look?” Since most people think this is a trick question, the usual answers tend to be, “That’s coo.” or “You look fine.” or even “You look ready. Can we go now?” *sigh* We’re not just asking you so we can hear you tell us we’re beautiful. We’re asking you cuz we value your opinion. And since we’re the one on your arm tonight, we wanna make sure you think we’re fly enough to be the only eye candy that you’re eye-fuckin.’
p.s. Other unacceptable answers include “Is THAT what you’re wearing?” and “Why you so dressed up?” or any kind of back handed remark of the sort. Your passive-aggressive jealousy is a whole nother blog in and of itself. (That’s currently in my drafts folder. that one’s coming soon. lol.)