((started 121909, finished today bc I’m still looking for an answer))
Breaking up is hard to do. Real Talk.
Just ask her or him, or fuck, even me. We’ve been there, done that and I think I can speak for the general consensus when I say breaking up SUCKS. The aftermath of a breakup results in all kinds of crazy shit, like listening to my girl sob on the phone while I’m at work. Shit like her walking through the ghetto with me to party somewhere other than the norm. Shit like reading about how my homie cried on the kitchen floor of his apartment because the lease they signed together was up, but he was the only one who had been living there for awhile.
Breaking up isn’t just a knee jerk reaction to an argument. Arguments are not the cause of a bad relationship. Arguments are merely a symptom of a bad relationship. Feel me?
People seem so surprised when people break up. “But you two seemed so happy together?” “I would have never guessed you guys were having problems.” Since when did your personal problems become my business? Since when did every argument she had with her significant other need to be presented on Facebook. Since fucking when did the signs of his “unhappy relationship” need to be broadcasted to your nosy ass?!
I’ll tell you when. Since NEVER.
What’s secret is SACRED. Remember that. Soon as you let people who don’t need to be in your life, in your life? You’re setting yourself up. But, I digress.
What I wanna know is how two people, so seemingly in love get to that point and then get through that point. It’s a real question, and I’m seriously looking for real answers. Hit me.
I just started reading your blog I got off the hellz page,& I love it. I find myself thinking the same way about many things and going through life right now has become a real pain in the ass with all the “trying to figure shit out”‘s.
Anyway – thought I’d respond to your question. I know this isn’t something you wanna hear but I don’t believe any “two people are meant to be together” – I don’t believe anyone’s life is destined to be one way or another – YOU ARE WHAT YOU MAKE IT. And since life has so much bullshit and questions “why this/why that” people are constantly changing – changing the way they think, changing the way they feel – about life and about themselves. Maybe there’s a certain age bracket where people are just all kindsa fucked in the head- confused (maybe not) i dont know – but often I think that people are just finding themselves annnd because we are human beings it is in our nature to want to be with someone – always on the look out for “the one”- which is an impossible thing (it either works -possibly really well- which people may consider “the one”, or it doesnt). And sometimes people force finding “the one” and they take everything they have and turn it into this big ball of love (seemingly) and “i’ll do anything for you”‘s just try to make this person the answer to their life and its just not that simple. Sometimes people are so into themselves that they don’t even take the time to invest in this other person- they just throw them up on this pedestal from the get go and then later when they actually dig a little deeper into the person they’re like “what?! who the fuck are u, i dont even know you!!” well no fucking shit – maybe you shoulda thought about that in the beginning before up and deciding they’re “the one”. HUMMMM.
ANYWAYS. I am currently dealing with a lot of these issues myself – and I am in a new relationship finding myself trying to rush things because I’m a woman and I said NOW DAMNIT 🙂 haha but my brain and my heart are at constant battle and my brain is often lecturing my heart on reality – which fucking sucks sometimes but LIFE IS FRICKIN AMAZING in that reality sucks pretty damn often! You just have to find ways to cope. BUT! There definitely is hope for real love… and I believe that it comes from really UNDERSTANDING each other and caring enough equally – allowing each other to grow while still being there for one another (depending on the situation of course – there may be other issues that just make things not worth it for one or both of you) So if that person isn’t willing to give you your space when you need it or doesn’t try to understand and want to grow in the same direction with you then chances are it won’t work out. AND sometimes MENNN (yeah yeah and women) have a tendancy to wanna play with the “greener grass” on the other side because having your cake & eating it too is perfectly selfish and thats just how some people are.. and in that case – why would you want to be with someone like that anyway?! Ya know..
And now that I have written 6x what you wrote in your post – I will end here 🙂
I feel you. idk if the “fucked in the head” has less to do with age than it is a state of mind. i’m a sag, i’m indecisive as SHIT and need constant reassurance that i’m doing hte right thing, but i’ve managed to obtain (and lose) long-term relationships in my life. idk how i survive. i’m askin bc this whole “changing process” never happens overnight. And by the time you realize you’ve changed, or he’s changed and you’re no longer on the same page, it’s 7 years 3 kids and 4 cars deep into it. not that it was all in vain, but damn it’s like getting hit by a damn bus.
it’s love, not santa claus. and i still believe that there is someone out there for everyone… its just the hopless romantic in me. And i guess when that person comes along, your brain doesn’t have to lecture ur heart bc they both want the same thing.
It may be a state of mind… it has slowly crept on me but its only progressing so I dont know – I really hope its an age thing and it will pass for the sake of my sanity! haha.
I am constantly needing reassurance as well. Believe me, I understand. If I’m not getting continuous positive feedback 24/7 (& then some) then I am in this frantic state of mind dealing with anxiety at its finest and trying to figure out whats wrong when really – there’s nothing wrong at all. And yes I can understand the hopeless romantic that you speak of because that once was (and still is at some level) a very big part of me.. I was 100% Disney and I WAS GOING TO FIND MY PRINCE- you feel me? And that lead to…me learning the hard way that love isnt always enough.. not 7 years and 3 kids later – but 5 years and 2 kids later (I am only 23) and yeah, I still question what really happened between us and though it hurts because part of me will always love him – I know that we just grew our separate ways and it was just for the better – we really didn’t know each other well enough beforehand or maybe we just didnt know ourselves enough, i dont know.. and it has been a very hard thing to swallow, even after 2 years. But I take it more as an experience now that I learned from and I’m glad he was part of my life because without him I wouldn’t have my children (bla bla bla not the first time youve heard that Im sure). But anyway – that relationship was from my heart and my brain wanting the same thing (because my brain didnt know wtf I wanted!!!)- that was me being very selfish. So now I try to look at things a little bit differently and I try to reason with my heart because otherwise I’m just latching onto whatever seems to be the next best thing without reaaaaally understanding them.
ORRR! Maybe I’m 76 thousand times more confused about shit then you are and Im just venting my pointless thoughts onto you- in which case I apologize 🙂 haha
I don’t believe that arguments are a symptom of just a bad relationship. In my opinion, arguments are inevitable in any relationship, whether it’s with your significant other, your best friend, your sister/brother, or your parents. Just because you get into an argument with so-and-so one day doesn’t mean that it’s because your relationship is coming to a dead end. My parents have been together for 30 years, and they still get on each other the same way my boyfriend and I do; at the end of the day, they both know that the love is still there and still strong.
To answer your question, two people that are so seemingly in love can get to a point where they bicker every now and then because nobody’s perfect. Just because you’re happily in love doesn’t mean that you’re gonna be ecstatically happy 100% of the time. People change, people grow, and when you’re in a long-term relationship with someone, you have to learn to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of growth.
And because arguments are inevitable, I think it’s important that couples try to establish some ground rules, like no foul name-calling, no hitting, etc. When things start to get disrespectful, that’s a whole ‘nother story. But for the every day arguments, this is what my man and I have found to work:
1) Stick to the present; don’t bring up something that pissed you off last week because now it’s irrelevant
2) Let EVERYTHING out and don’t hold back, because long-term relationships are about sharing your life with another person
3) There’s no such thing as being brutally honest. Again, you can both talk your piece without getting to a dangerous, disrespectful point
4) Genuinely take into account what the other person is conveying to you, because on the flipside you’d be pretty damn pissed too if everything was going in one ear and out the other
5) Resolve the issue as soon as possible. There’s no point for everything to be out in the open just to continue floating around until another bad day
At the end of the day, it’s ultimately about what you as a human being are willing to put up, and you just have to ask yourself, “Is it really worth it to lose what we have?” or “Is it really worth it to continue putting up with all the bullshit?”
There’s a fine line between a healthy relationship that has its down every now and then and an abusive relationship that really isn’t worth staying in for both members.
But that’s just my two cents 🙂
I’m no expert on love; I just know what works and doesn’t work when it comes to my love.
I think it stems from people not being honest with themselves, and therefore not being completely honest with each other… Sounds way more simple than it really is, but facing your own shit is haaard. What we hide from other people is what we hide from ourselves..
I also think when people fight, it’s all very reaction based. Ex. Girl comes home late from work and is tired. It was a stressful day at work due to numerous factors. Boy asks if he can get some. Girl says no, too tired to explain any further. Boy feels rejected, but instead of just saying that, he mutters a passive remark.. Girl flips out, Boy flips out, and the rest is history. Add a year of little fights like that, and it all builds up… Especially if the real issues aren’t being ironed out.
If we just break down those walls (of pride, guilt, etc. that accumulate from our past experiences), then we are able to put ourselves in that vulnerable point of honesty and get at the grittiness of the actual problem(s). It takes self-awareness to not only apologize with knowing the cause behind your own reaction, but also to be on the other side – recognition of why your significant other is blowing up at you. I find if we understand the reasons why we feel certain ways, why we blow up at certain things, it just helps. Does this all make sense?!
I am not a fan of airing out my relationship issues but I really wish I could actually converse with you about this topic because it hits so close to home. Unfortunately, I don’t have answers to your questions but can tell you from my experience, my husband and I got “to that point” because we got too comfortable with each other and ultimately ‘loving’ each other took a backseat. Whether a couple decides to end their relationship or work through it, I think both are equally draining and emotional!
I’ve been married for 5 years and was with my husband for 4 years before we decided to get married. We had no business getting married when we did but for reasons I can only appreciate NOW…I’m glad we did. Our longevity does NOT make me an expert in relationships and marriage so please feel free to roll your eyes and/or flip me off. Anyway, to make a long story short, three words saved our marriage and more importantly my sanity – COUPLES COMMUNICATION CLASS! LOL! Giirrrrl..yes, I’m serious! Of course this is not the answer to every relationship/marriage but it worked for us. All I know is I wanted to kill a MF but I BELIEVED so much in our marriage and in him and I stayed in it and through it! The class took us over our hump, directed us towards loving each other again and here we are…wanting less to kill each other and more of wanting to grow old with each other! LOL. Can’t believe I just said all that on the internet!
Anyway, I hope you find your answers!
Damn, y’all just put it down.
@Celestine – you’re absolutely right. there is a fine line between a healthy / unhealthy relationship. everyone’s line is different, as is everyone’s threshold. I suppose people have to work out for themselves what they’re willing to put up with.
@Justeezy – you make perfect sense. as with everything worth it, its easier said than done, ain’t it? some people aren’t worth your effort, some people are.
@Sue – draining and emotional. i think you hit it right on the nose. i admire you, real talk. and if u still wanna actually converse with me, hit me. i’d love to. =)
I was wondering the exact same thing when my ex broke up with me. One minute he’s saying I’m worth it, he loves me, this is what he wants and then literally the next day he doesn’t. I asked myself how does something like that literally change overnight? But it didn’t. The whole time I thought we were good when in his side of reality it wasn’t and I have no idea how long but he had been feeling not into it for awhile. Funny thing is, everyone said they didn’t see it coming because we looked so happy and good together. It’s SO deceiving.
Things changing like that and out of the blue come from dishonesty. How do you make something work if you don’t know what you have to work on right? Things changing like that come from the mind and heart being in a different place for both people in the relationship. How do you fix something if only one person is willing to fix the problem and the other isn’t? Being on the same page is key but it can’t be done if honesty isn’t there.
Going into any relationship the only things I ask of are 1) Honesty, 2) Effort, 3) Their Best, not their all, and 4) Accepting what you can’t understand and understanding what you can’t accept. In return that’s what I try to give. Is that too much to ask for? Haha.
Damn Steph — Accepting what you can’t understand and understanding what you can’t accept. TRUTH.