Here’s the scenario: Three girlfriends who happen to be in their mid (ok, late) twenties are talking about being potential roomates.
1 – I have terrible OCD, I can’t cook, and I have loud sex.
2 – I’ll sweep a hardwood floor, I hate laundry, and I have loud sex, too.
3 – I love cooking, I refuse to vacuum, and I have loud sex, three.
I think it’s safe to say these girls all have something in common. Come to think of it, I don’t think I know a girl that doesn’t have loud sex. Matter fact, I sat in horror as one of my girlfriends told me a story about her man’s roomate asking if she’s “the girl that always screams FUCK?”
I don’t know a woman, or man for that matter, that is a fan of mime sex. Ninja sex, maybe. There’s something about NEEDING to be quiet because you might get caught that is awesome (like, outdoor sex or when he needs to firmly places his hand over your mouth, good god. Ninja sex is a completely seperate blog in and of itself.) But if there’s one thing porn has taught us, it’s that good sex = loud sex. And I mean parched throat screamin’, headboard bangin’, ass slapping, sounding like a dying goat or a bat outta hell LOUD.
If you’re laying there like a starfish and having silent mime sex, stop wondering why you’re not getting dicked down at night. It’s time to step your game up. How is your man supposed to know what you like if you don’t tell him? And what better way than to tell him you like it rightthere rightthere right there RIGHT THERE RIIIGHHT THHEERRE. Regardless of how many pillows your face is in, how hard you bite your lip, or cover your mouth, if the D is good your man AND the neighbors will know.
And fellas, the ladies have spoken. As much as you love a loud woman, they love a verbal man. You don’t have to remind your chick to suck it while she’s already sucking it (duh), or point out the fact that she’s hella wet (duh) but dirty talk is always appreciated. You’re welcome.
Now please excuse me while I try and convince these people that my name is not Oh Shit. Ha.
I be bangin’ on ur body, they be bangin’ on our wall
While they dreamin, you be screamin, now they bangin’ on our door
I bet the neighbors know my name.