If you ask any of my girls, consensus would be that I am the boldest motherfucker on the block. I’ve been known to tell a girl she ain’t it, to tell a man he’s beautiful, and to literally run after someone to ask for their name. Yeah, I know, I’ve got big cahones.
But when it comes to someone that I’m REALLY feelin’? I kind of get all awkward and retarded. My funny decides it wants to disappear, and my mouth forgets how to move. I’ve also been known to smile and nod at somebody hoping they can read my mind. Come on now, how often does THAT happen though? How many times do you actually like someone. Psh.
One of my closest homegirls has asked me to write a guidebook for her upcoming stint abroad. A “How to Talk to a Guy Without Sounding Full Retard” book, if you will. I laughed out loud when she said it, until I realized she was dead serious. I sat and thought about it and really, there’s only one thing to put on there:
Leave your vagina at home.
See, your vagina is a very fickle thing. It wants to sit on the face of a handsome man, gets tickled when he makes a funny joke, and goes a little crazy when he doesn’t call you. If it’s that time of the month, your vagina will also have you convinced you’re fat and ugly, that no one wants you, and force you into hiding. Point blank, your vagina is ruining your game. Without it, you could be a normal person and say Hi without your clit clapping, crack a witty joke about his favorite sports team without breaking a sweat, and watch him watch you walk away without stumbling all over yourself.
Be forewarned. When leaving your vagina at home, you miiiiiight feel the urge to come back to get it, soon as that handsome gentleman you’ve just woo’ed propositions a date. Only then are you allowed to put it back on as you’re getting ready, slip into your sexiest LBD, and knock this mf dead. You can thank me later.