I feel. Naked.
Stripped of my walls, my boundaries and my filters. Stripped of my security blankets, my fake laugh and my poker face. Stripped of it all.
I’ve never been as honest with myself as I have been in the last hour. The last hour of today, I stood in front of a mirror and let myself have it. Everythingthat I’ve been trying to cover up, everything that I’ve been hiding from myself, what I’ve been feeling and the reality of it all….. is that I don’t know.
I don’t know a lot of things. I don’t know how to be anyone other than myself. I don’t know how to change the bad parts about me as fast as I’d like to, or even as fast as you’d like to. I don’t know how I got from loving you to hating you to loving you again. I don’t know how to let it go. I don’t know how else to show you, or what other words I can say to make you trust me. I don’t know if you even care or wether or not to even believe you. I don’t know who is telling me the truth anymore and I don’t know where I can find the answers.
I do know that I have love. I know that it’s the realest thing I’ve felt in a long long time. I know that there are things in life that are greater than me, than this, than you, than us… and I know that right now, none of that shit matters. I know myself just a little bit more than before. I know how to pay more attention now, because nobody else is going to do it. I know you have love for me. I know it can be as simple as we want it to be. I know this…. I also know it’s never that easy.
I know this is probably the last time I’m going to do this in awhile. I also know that doing this is absolutely necessary for my soul’s sanity.
I feel naked. But I recognize it’s the only way I can allow myself to get clean.