Cold Hands, Warm Heart

I am a hot sleeper. Heat emanates from my skin while I’m dreaming.  This is an outside observation for me, something that a man I’ve once slept next to has told me on many occasions.  The first time I slept next to him, he kicked off the blanket and said “I’m hot.  That just means I have good circulation.”  I chuckled, because I had secretly been sweating in my hair.

Subsequent sleep overs have resulted in open windows, skin to skin sweaty contact, and heat. I’m not talking about warmth, I’m talking really hot heat.

Until the day we decided we were only going to be friends.  I still slept in his bed, barely clothed, nose nestled in his neck per our usual.  But I didn’t sleep.  My eyes were wet, physical evidence of the emotion I was feeling at the moment, my brain hiding it’s OFF button.

He woke up that morning and one of the first thing he said to me was that I was cool to his touch during the evening.  “It’s because I wasn’t asleep,” I told him.   It was the only logical conclusion I could think of at the moment, the only thing that might make sense as to the change in my body temperature.

I had come to a few revelations during the night.  A few conclusions about myself, my emotional state, and the circumstances in my life.  A few moments that turned into hours that turned into a dreamless state, staring at the ceiling while he slept soundly next to me.  Suffice it to say I was mourning.  Not necessarily mourning the loss of this man in my life, but perhaps mourning the excitement I had.  Mourning the possibility of something new, or simply mourning the idea that a good man wanted to be in my life.

After telling him my thoughts, he noted that my face was so full of life. Huh?  My face looked like a punching bag!  After some reflection, I realized I wasn’t sad at all.  I realized that I was changing, and recognizing this within myself made me feel…. warm.

Maybe my body heat was in direct correlation of my feelings towards this connection, I’m not sure. All I know is that even though I had cold hands, I also had a warm heart. Even now after all this time, I look back and think… that was enough for me.

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