I grew up Catholic and went to a Protestant Christian school… to say I was religiously confused as a child is an understatement. I recited the rosary at night and went to learn the next day I’d be going to hell by breaking the 2nd commandment. Awesome. I no longer align myself with a specific religion but one thing both teachings agreed upon was the Christmas Story. I’m sure you’re all familiar so I’m not going to bore you with the details, but I got to thinking how well the Christmas story would fare should it have happened to me today.
I sit down to tell my man that I’m pregnant. However, not by his baby. I don’t do it on Maury, because I’m classy like that but I pull out the iPhone, snap a picture of the pregnancy test and MMS his phone.
He skips the gym to come straight home from work, only to find me frantically pacing around the house with his favorite dish on the table for dinner. Before he can sit down I blurt out “So-remember-the-dream-we-had-that-we’d-have-a-blessed-baby-well-I’m-pregnant-and-it’s-not-yours-but-don’t-get-mad-cuz-it’s-Gods-and-I-still-love-you-and-I-swear-I-didn’t-have-sex-with-anyone-else-you-know-you-got-me.”
He looks confused. Then angry. “Wait wait wait wait wait. Hol up hol up hol’ UP! You didn’t have sex with anyone else? Bitch, YOU’RE PREGNANT.” His Twitter timeline reads ‘#nowplaying – Dru Hill: In My Bed.’ FML.
And then Joseph did something no man in his right mind would have ever done. He believed me!
Sunday night football and I overhear the guys talk about it over beer.
“So yo, Joe. I hear Rach is pregnant. Congrats man.”
“Well.. I mean… God got her pregnant. Not me.”
“So what you’re saying is that God ran up on your chick?”
“Did you pray for that?”
The government ordered a genocide of all new babies so I can’t have this baby in a regular hospital with regular drugs like regular people. I have the child in a barn, as three wise men come in the form of my friends who are a doctor, a lawyer, and a college professor. My doctor friend brings makes sure I don’t get an infection, my lawyer friend dropped off mine and Joe’s prenuptial agreement and my teacher friend is just here because he’s on winter break from school. He also happens to be a minister and marries us as I’m in labor. I told y’all I’m classy. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. Or barn.
I’m Asian. And lets just say for all intents and purposes that Joseph (aka J-Rock) is black. In theory, the baby should be black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow. But he’s white, and I name him Jesus. I am just setting this kid up for disappointment. He’s gonna be telling the kids at school ‘Yeah, moms is asian, pops is black, but my skin is white and I got a hispanic name but y’all aren’t allowed to make fun of me because my real father is The Heavenly Father. Take that take that take that.’
This is the most ridiculous story I’ve ever heard, but there is a moral: Joseph is an unsung hero. He raised a child that wasn’t his, believed his woman when she wasn’t pregnant with his baby, and didn’t ask for any shine. Who needs a father when you’ve got a dad like that?
(Also, if God can run up on OPP, why can’t you? I’m just sayin’.)