I recently had a conversation with somebody that I had been meaning to have. You know, the talk. THE talk. The talk to figure out what it is that you’re doing. The talk that induces cold sweats and stuttering from seemingly normal people. Yeah, that one.
Usually I’m the one talking. This is what I want to do and this is how I want to do it. This time was a little bit different, as I was listening, absorbing, and processing, all while trying to come up with a response that didn’t leave me sounding like a dumbfounded 5 year old. It didn’t work as well as I had thought. The preceding silence didn’t quite mean that the check for understanding I had just done was successful. I suppose with the silence came the noise of my thoughts. Over-analyzing every word that was said and dissecting every bit of information laid out on the table.
To say I slept restlessly is an understatement. My mind wouldn’t turn off, as I was trying to sort through the thoughts of the afore mentioned conversation. Usually, the daylight brought clarity, but that morning, I couldn’t find any through the blinds. Something wasn’t sitting well with me and it was going to take more than what I was doing to figure it out.
So what was it? What is the fact that he verbalized what I had already deduced? Was it that this might have been the first honest communication I’ve had with a man in years? Or was it that he did not spare my ego for shit, as I had been used to? No, it wasn’t any of those. Perhaps it was that he insulted my intelligence with assuming that I didn’t already know what he was going to say.
Abi said here that WE GET IT. And we do. We hella get it. It’s just that, you already got us. And while we’re getting everything you’re saying, we’re also getting everything you aren’t. What we don’t get, is how you can be so blasé about…well…everything. But *sigh* I get that too.
I’ve come to the conclusion that, with age comes wisdom and understanding. I understand better now, regardless if I like it or not. But seriously, all this nonsense is gonna need to stop making so much sense to me. Honesty begets clarity? The only thing clear to me is that honestly, I was happier being an ignorant motherfucker.