Two years ago I got a Twitter account for one simple reason: I was applying for a job at the popular start-up company and needed a Twitter account. What the fuck was Twitter exactly? I didn’t know nor did I care. What could I say in 140 characters that meant anything? Who knows.
Since then I’ve hopped on the band wagon and am now following 300+ people with 1100+ followers. Gadamn. Sometimes, I feel as if I can’t even keep up. Ever check your timeline after 2 hours and find 500 tweets? That’s a ridiculous number of things to read through, especially if all of these tweets are exactly the same. What am I talking about? The following tweets are examples of why I now hate checking my timeline:
1: “Do you, I’ma do me.” Can someone please tell me what or who exactly I’ve been doing all this time? I thought I WAS doing me? According to you, apparently not.
2: “Look at what fabulously gluttonous thing I’m eating today.” I am the biggest offender when it comes to this. But at least I can eat my own food porn. WTF am I gonna do with a picture of your food? It’s not even scratch and sniff.
3: “That awkward moment no one gives a fuck about.” Because honestly, we all encounter awkward moments. Not all of them are funny and/or worth speaking on.
4: “Look at how drunk I am again this weekend.” (insert pic of Hennessy/Jameson/Grey Goose here). You’re having a great time this weekend? Awesome. But you posted the same picture of bottle service 3 weekends in a row. What else do you do besides get shit faced drunk?
5: “Me and my boo.” (insert 76541839476th pic of you and your boo.) Y’all are hella cute. And I’m happy that you’re happy. It’s just that…. well… that last picture looks exactly like the other 300 pictures you posted of you and your boo. I know you have a life outside of each other. I KNOW IT. If you don’t, you should.
6: Irrelevant complaint #67 for the day to be closed out with the letters “FML.” I don’t really care that the people at your job suck. Everyone’s coworkers suck. I don’t care that you can’t find your keys, or your dog ate your homework, or that it took you 6 minutes longer to get home than normal. I don’t give a fuck. In fact, you cannot imagine the immensity of the fuck I do not give. Yes. Fuck YOUR life.
7: Yet another Instagram’d closeup picture of yourself. With no makeup. Throwing up the peace sign/middle finger. You’re so vain. You probably think this one is about you.
8: Mundane life detail #89. “work is going by so slooowwww.”…..AND?!
Step your Twitter game up people. Say something funny. Say something witty or clever or just don’t say anything at all. My timeline used to be refreshing. Now I don’t even want to refresh the feed.