Best I Never Had

Over salt and pepper shrimp today, one of my very good friends asked me what I wanted.  In life?  I didn’t understand the question.  He meant, in love.

I want someone to make me feel something. 

The last person to make me feel anything, took me from the tip of ecstasy to the depths of despair. He made me feel loved, and unwanted, and used, and beautiful, and horrible, and sexy all at the same time.  The last man I really felt for, made me feel… crazy.  I hated that I loved him and I loved that I hated him.  In my mind, love wasn’t love if it didn’t drive you up the wall insane.

Abi asked me the other day how many times I had been in love.  I counted, both occasions unhealthy and “crazy” in every sense of the word.  That insecure, name-calling, lying, over bearing, can’t live without each other, need to see each other every waking moment of every day or it would be a problem, passionate to a fault, love. When I really thought about it, I never had that secure love.  That, let me talk to you about my feelings even though you may not like it love.  That I can tell you this knowing you won’t judge me love.  That you can have a best girl friend and I can have a best boy friend and we won’t trip love.  That completely utterly brutally honest love.  That let you breathe love.

Did that mean I had never been in love?  No.  It just meant that I had only known that kind of love.

The last man I fell for left me closed.  I was am afraid of giving a person that much power over me and my emotions.  I don’t know if I am capable of letting anyone get that close to me again, because I can still smell the smoke of that bridge burning to the ground.

What do I want?  I want someone to make me feel something different.  I want someone to be bold enough to look me in the face and tell me he likes me.  I want someone to accept my past, embrace my present, and help me create my future.

I want it all.  I want someone to kiss me and mean it.  I want someone to hold my hand in public and cuddle with me when it’s cold.  I want someone to look at me and truly see me.  I want someone to say my name and ignite a butterfly riot in my stomach.  I want every word of every love song I’ve ever heard.  I want to be scared enough to lose somebody, but secure enough to know he’s not going anywhere.

I want that kind of love I’ve never had.

Universe, don’t fail me now.

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3 comments

  1. sue · February 12, 2012

    “That, let me talk to you about my feelings even though you may not like it love. That I can tell you this knowing you won’t judge me love. That you can have a best girl friend and I can have a best boy friend and we won’t trip love. That completely utterly brutally honest love. That let you breathe love.”

    Mmmmm, mmm, mmmm!! This hit the spot for me and even made my heart skip a beat.

    I never knew a love like that existed until five years AFTER being married. Love hit me when I was just about to give up on my marriage. I can’t explain love…but now I know I believe in it.

    Wishing you all the best and looking forward to reading about when love hits you when you least expect it!

    xoxo, sue

  2. syselcuk · February 12, 2012

    I don’t know how I came across your blog but I love it. I feel every word you said! I think there’s no way you can be fully in love if you never let your barriers down, even though you’re puttin yourself at risk. But coming from someone who’s been through the worst pain due to loving someone I can understand why you’re cautious about putting yourself through it again! You just have to take every experience as a lesson learned and remember everything happens for a reason
    x

  3. lifeonmysideBern · February 13, 2012

    everything in time, soulmate. everything in time.

    love you.

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