“Nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe. It hurts but it may be the only way.”
I’ve been holding on to a muted anxiety for awhile now. Rooted in the people who hold my heart, and in the uncertainty of what’s certainly coming.
At times it lays quietly behind the girl talk, and the flights of wine. It sits patiently as I enjoy dinner on the patio and walks around the lake. But between the fits of laughter and 457 pictures, it taps me on the shoulder to remind me it’s there.
At times, the anxiety is debilitating. Tethered to a growing feeling of emptiness that I know isn’t real. It’s those times when looking at her, hurts. It’s those times when I try to memorize every curve of his cheekbones. It’s those times when I realize they are the thoughts I have when I’m not even thinking.
This is stupid. Because my heart is so full of love, and yet my head is so full of shit like this. Shit that- in no way, shape, or form- drowns out my happy.
So fuck tomorrow. Today is still here and today, my happy is loud.
Today, I’m going to cherish the inside jokes and the borrowing clothes. The hand holding under the covers and the butterfly riot that ensues. Every picture that is taken and every single moment in between. I will appreciate the tears on the shoulder that’s still here, and the time of the person who can’t afford to waste any.
Things are always changing. Circumstances won’t always be the way they are. Tomorrow is the crux of life, and it is a beautiful, terrifying truth. But I am not afraid of today. Today, is still mine.
Today, I will love. Unabashedly. Limitlessly. Fully.