This is 30.

The Big 3-0 is days away, and I’m holding onto the last of my twenties with a kung fu death grip.

I wanted to do some sort of significant reflection on the last 10 years of my life, and frankly, I can’t come up with anything more profound than: I don’t remember who I was 10 years ago.  And although I still don’t have steady footing on who I am now, I can  honestly tell you that the 20-year-old-girl I was, roaming the streets of SF has been dead for a long, long time. I want to say, I didn’t really start LIVING until I was in my late 20s.  Even now, at 29, I feel like I haven’t even started to truly do, feel, dream, love, or live.

I’ve learned a few things as I’m approaching 30.  This is the new 20, they say.  This is my prime.  I don’t know about all of that, but these are my truths.

  • Being a mother is the most rewarding experience I’ve ever experienced.  In that same breath, it is the most challenging, the most humbling, the only thing in the entire world that makes me feel like  dont know enough of anything.  And yet, here I am, reading a book to my soon-to-be-5- year old, remembering how he will always be my miracle baby
  • I’m watching all my friends have babies and get married, and I’m sitting here, wondering where the ice cream is. I’m divorced (way more complicated than getting married, btw) contemplating if I’m even capable of ever being that happy again.  I love hard, and my hobbies include loving people more than they deserved to be loved.  Tell me who I have to be to get some reciprocity?  That reminds me, Lauryn Hill is disappointing live.  I walked right out of her show.
  • I-CAN-CER-VIVE.
  • Someone I love recently said “You’ve gotta get over this thing you have, of not being good enough.”  It’s not a lesson I don’t think I’ll learn by 30, but it’s something I am very anxious to learn.  Thank you for reminding me.
  • I’ve learned, in dramatic fashion, that I can’t change people.  All I can do is continue to be the best person I can be to you.
  • I’ve also learned how to take a compliment.  Took long enough.
  • Reading makes me want to write again.  I need to do more of both.  Writing used to be my sanctuary, reading my incubator.  I don’t know where along the lines I lost the joy in this, but I do know I want to gain it back.
  • I hate everybody.  Ok, that’s not true (all the time.)  The older I get, the more I realize what I do and don’t want, and will or won’t put up with.  I don’t really hate everybody.  I just hate everybody else.
  • My friends are strong, beautiful, and amazing. They are changing, just as fast as I am, and it’s comforting to know we are still here for each other.  Individually, none of us were as we were.  Collectively, we are still the same.  I cannot be any prouder of my girls for having the courage and the strength to live their lives as they have.  I only hope they can say the same for me.

What are my plans for my 30th?  Celebrate life, of course.  The crux of it all is discovery, and I plan on holding onto that well beyond my dirty thirty.

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One comment

  1. madkap · November 30, 2012

    Being 30 is awesome. The more i talk to people in their 40s 50s. There’s more growth in stored for us. You’ve gone through a lot especially in your late 20s,even more excitement is around the corner. Welcome to the 30s club, i’ve only been in the club for 2 months and loved everyday do far.

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