I’m in this place.
This weird place. Where nothing is wrong, and everything is wrong at the same time. The thoughts dance around in my head and I lose my breath chasing after a tangible, quantifiable thought.
This place, is dark, it’s light, its bright, its empty, its lonely. I lay in bed at night, thinking. The silence is so deafening it keeps me up, screaming unknown things straight at me.
I search for people to make me laugh. I search for experiences that make me FEEL. I’m looking for extremes now. I think I’d rather be on either side of the spectrum than this place, this middle ground place where nothing feels like anything to me.
I choose love. I choose life. I choose fun. I choose freedom, and yet, I’m constantly second guessing each decision I make. Is it right? Is it worth it? What am I doing? I am blessed to have this, have that, have them. And yet is it enough? Why does my soul still feel unsatisfied?
I’m in a place where I sing my heart out to every word of every song that speaks to my soul, like I am now. In tears over words that aren’t even mine. Dancing to melodies that envoke something in me.
I connect. The last time someone held my hand was in on a short walk, and my feet hurt from dancing the night away….he held my hand while trying to catch a cab. I wanted to stop time, in that moment. The last time someone held me, I was saying goodbye to my best friend. It was a hug, one of the best ones I’ve had in a long, long time. I almost broke down in tears right then and there.
I’m in a place where all I’m looking for is someone to FEEL ME. Understand me.
It’s 4:26 am on a Saturday night (Sunday morning?) and in my room, writing, like I’ve done countless times before. But, I’m in a place. This place. And I can’t even tell you about it, because I don’t know where I am.