I’m in this place.

This weird place.  Where nothing is wrong, and everything is wrong at the same time.  The thoughts dance around in my head and I lose my breath chasing after a tangible, quantifiable thought.

This place, is dark, it’s light, its bright, its empty, its lonely.  I lay in bed at night, thinking.  The silence is so deafening it keeps me up, screaming unknown things straight at me.

I search.

I search for people to make me laugh.  I search for experiences that make me FEEL.  I’m looking for extremes now.  I think I’d rather be on either side of the spectrum than this place, this middle ground place where nothing feels like anything to me.

I choose.

I choose love. I choose life.  I choose fun.  I choose freedom, and yet, I’m constantly second guessing each decision I make.  Is it right?  Is it worth it?  What am I doing?  I am blessed to have this, have that, have them.  And yet is it enough?  Why does my soul still feel unsatisfied?

I’m in a place where I sing my heart out to every word of every song that speaks to my soul, like I am now.  In tears over words that aren’t even mine.  Dancing to melodies that envoke something in me.

I connect.  The last time someone held my hand was in on a short walk, and my feet hurt from dancing the night away….he held my hand while trying to catch a cab. I wanted to stop time, in that moment.  The last time  someone held me, I was saying goodbye to my best friend.  It was a hug, one of the best ones I’ve had in a long, long time.  I almost broke down in tears right then and there.

I’m in a place where all I’m looking for is someone to FEEL ME.  Understand me.

It’s 4:26 am on a Saturday night (Sunday morning?) and in my room, writing, like I’ve done countless times before.  But, I’m in a place.  This place.  And I can’t even tell you about it, because I don’t know where I am.