I feel like I’m constantly navigating different worlds.  And there are so many worlds I don’t fuck with because I’ve only got so much time and so many heartbeats.  Can I live? 

You guys.  Being a person is totally exhausting.

One of the many self realizations I’ve had in the last year or so, is that I am most fulfilled when being supportive.  I’ve taken on support roles in the most important roles of my life — at work and at home — I give myself to helping the people and causes that mean something to me.

I don’t half-ass anything.  I give 110% of myself 110% of the time. Sometimes I am so engulfed in being a really great mother, partner, daughter, employee, friend that I just do not have the energy at the end of the day for anything else.  People want to engage in intellectual conversation, or sit down and break bread with someone who is an actual person, or simply even ask me how my day went.  These are all normal people things that I usually like to do.  But some days, like today, I. LITERALLY. CAN’T. EVEN.

Don’t get it twisted. I am not tired of making effort where effort is due.  I am not asking for extra credit for doing the things that I am already supposed to be doing.  I am not tired of giving my all to so many other people.  I am just… tired.

Its just sometimes I wish I was a shitty person.  I wish I could turn the world off and be selfish and neglectful and forgetful and disrespectful and irresponsible and all the things that are horrible but still feel good.  These thoughts don’t last long, but is it wrong of me to still have them?

I know how lucky I am.  My girlfriend told me just the other day that I take such good care of the people I love, that I deserve that too.  But I have it. When you give and give and give to everyone your whole life, you learn that giving doesn’t leave you with nothing. Giving actually fills you up. The lesson was finding the right people to give to, and I feel I have found that.  My heart and my life have never felt so full, and it feels so fucking good.

I swear, I know how fucking lucky I am. But today, just for a second, I’m going to lay down and not be a person.

Be right back.

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