It’s been far too long since I last wrote something, and for that, I apologize. I’ve been trying to pinpoint what it is about writing and sharing that I’ve been avoiding, and I came to the conclusion that it was because I didn’t have a struggle to write about.
Silly Rachel, why do I have to write about my struggle? People want to hear about my joy, too, right? I had a conversation with my good friend Jey sometime last year. How do you write about being happy, without sounding… well.. too happy?
I have been all up and through my feelings this week, for reasons that may or may not include shark week and a self inflicted lack of serotonin, but I digress. The point is, I’ve spent a lot of unnecessary time dissecting my current situation, second guessing my life choices, and questioning my future. Here are a few takeaways:
I am still scarred.
From a lifetime of choosing him over me, of settling for less than I deserve, of turning the other cheek when I am being hurt. I still carry the scars of being young and naive. They are faint, and they make themselves visible at inopportune times. Like the one time, in the middle of an ordinary dinner, an innocuous comment turned into World War 3 in my head. My lessons have been learned, and I’m doing a better job of recognizing when my past should stay there.
I am my hardest critic.
Because I spent much of my life being the way I am, I eventually learned to put shadows on all my sunshine. I second guess ev.ery.thi.ng. I play my own Devil’s Advocate, and while for the most part, it keeps me grounded and realistic, it also drives me absolutely insane. I never want to get “too excited”… about anything… “so, we’ll see.” I still can’t take a compliment without saying something bad about myself. I am learning that it’s ok to be excited about the good in my life because it’s worth getting excited about. I am also learning to shut the fuck up…. sometimes.
Giving always gives back.
I give myself to other people, in the fullest sense of the term. The right people give back, and give back in such a way that I feel more than whole. I am overflowing with so much energy, love, and effort that all I want to do is give it right back. See how that cycle works?
Adonis is an actual person. And I am so proud.
He talks to me, about everything. He sings every chance he gets. There are moments when I look at him and absolutely cannot believe what it took to get here. I made a human, and he is changing my life every day.
I am in love.
And I am loved. And there’s nothing else that needs to be said about that.
The word ‘happy’ doesn’t quite describe the way I feel lately. I am so… joyful. A quick search of the archives here will prove that the journey wasn’t always joyous. There were shadows, and dips, and valleys, and abyss. I don’t have to explain it, because you have all been on this journey with me. But that was then and it was fine. But in this moment, I am so far beyond fine it is spilling out of my pores.
Happy, happy. Joy, joy.