Fear Factor.

“You will die a thousand times before you wake up feeling alive in your own skin.  You will love all of the wrong hearts before you realize the strength in your own.”

There are things I’ve just come to accept about myself.  One, I’m not all that coordinated.  I trip over a flat ass sidewalk (it came out of nowhere!), and I can’t really swing a bat, or throw a ball.  Two, I don’t know how to swim.  I almost drowned at 6 years old, and I’ve had this crippling fear of deep water ever since.  Funny enough, I love going to the beach.  I wade in the ocean with the best of em!

Three, I’m afraid, but I ain’t no bitch.  My friend E once asked me to go to a trapeze class once.  I said yes, of course, but told her I was deathly afraid of heights.  Because I ain’t no bitch, I still did it.  I agree to do a lot of things for said reason.  About a month ago, I let my friends talk me into going white water rafting…

After falling in the rapids more than once, getting t-boned by a rock, and having to be evacuated because of an awfully close brush fire, I left there thanking Jesus, Mary, and Joseph that I still had my life.  My friends were “so proud of me because I faced my fear and went rafting.”

Bitch, all I did was stay alive.

Something had to change. My friends were “proud of me” but I didn’t feel the same.  They all had fun, when all I did was wish it was over.  Different strokes for different folks I guess, but some times that’s an excuse scapegoat for something bigger.  It wasn’t for me, because I believed it wasn’t. But I could change that.

Life is for living, not for surviving.

I decided I needed to get over myself.  I wrote down a list of things I didn’t like about me, and I set out to change it.  I signed up for swimming lessons.  I didn’t know how to ride a bike, so I bought one.  I hate running, so I’m integrating it into my workout routine.  I’m scared of spiders.. but fuck that spiders are terrifying, I’ll keep that one in my pocket.

My big love told me how proud he was of me.  This time, I believe it.   I can’t tell you how much being loved the right way has changed me.  There are all the really obvious ways, but what’s surprised me is how it manifests itself in the not so obvious ways… like this.  It bleeds into the small facets of my life, and in every way possible, it makes me better.

Maybe one day I’ll get over disliking cats and my (very valid) fear of heights.  But for now, I’m working on becoming a bike riding ocean swimmer in time for my next vacation.

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