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on being his mother.

some women say that being a mother came naturally.  that seeing their child for the first time created an unbreakable bond felt deep within their soul.   some women say that all of a sudden, they thought like a mother, acted like a mother.   some women say when you’re a mother, you just know.  you know what to do, how to act, and that motherly instinct takes over.

i am not that woman.

my pregnancy was not a standard one.  i wasnt told i was having twins until my third ultrasound at 14 weeks.   the odds of having identical twin boys were nil, 0.4%… thats zero point four percent, just in case you didnt read that correctly.  my husband and i were kicked out of the condo we were renting because the owner was selling it..  and then we lost one of our twins after a minor car accident the day after christmas.

for those of you who have ever miscarried a child at 7 months, the grief is overwhelming.   you know what i’m talking about, it does not need to be explained.  however, my circumstances were quite different. i still had Adonis.   and he came a week later….  i didnt expect to give birth the way i did, the day i did.   the first time i looked at Adonis, i cried.

partly because of all the circumstances surrounding his birth, but partly because i didnt feel as connected to him as i thought i should have.  partly because i looked at him, and saw — someone i didnt know.   i felt… detatched.  his chance of survival increased with everyday, but i was still terrified of feeling for someone that might not be there tomorrow, or next week, or next month.

as adonis came home for the first time, i would look at him and feel guilty.   i would only see his face when i should be seeing double.  it hurt.   i was TERRIFIED of sleeping, of waking up and losing the one that God let me keep as if he was some sort of punishment or if i didnt deserve the blessing.

after pushing past the guilt, praying past the grief, i finally learned how to embrace motherhood.  but it did not come naturally or easy.  it was difficult, sleepless, fun, exhausting, surprising, overwhelming, and absolutely worthwhile all at the same time.  i opened my heart to to someone that is nothing short of magnificent…and although at times i felt so frustrated and so lost and so stupid that i questioned myself,  at other times all i had to do was look at his face cuz this love is so strong it feels like i can’t breathe…

some of my friends tell me they’re ready to be a mother, that they have the motherly instinct, that they already act like a mother to their brothers, sisters, or friends…   i say bullshit.  you are not prepared for the overwhelming amount of love you feel for a child you give life to.  you are not prepared for the endless number of days you can go on without any sleep.  you are not prepared for the surprising acts of selflessness you find yourself doing on a daily basis.

but thats the beauty of it all.   being a mother teaches you that you DIDN’T KNOW SHIT.  but you’re learning about it with every baby step, and every little cough, and every baby word.  you learn.  and its nothing less than amazing.

lil man

ladies n gents, my lil man is the bizness.  p.s. i sound like a man only cuz pregnancy fucked with my vocals n i never got my old voice back.  lol. and dont mind the bagong gising face.