TO DO.

my project list is ridiculously long.  but instead of feeling overwhelmed, i feel..  EXCITED.  i dont feel like i’m drowning. instead, i feel like i’m thriving!   does that make sense?     and its CRAZY.  

this post is really just for me – as a reminder, as a check list.   cuz if i put this list out there for the world to see, i gotta see em thru cuz i hate sellin wolf tickets.  lol.   motivation…

this morning’s tweet was “Honing my talent into a craft.  Turning my passion into a carrer.”  lessgetit!   

  • WTForks.com new site completion and launch
  • Twilight Movie Night SF edition planning (anyone wanna sponsor us?)
  • Web/Graphic design for new blog layout
  • Boogie Events Co event planning and interviewing
  • Business License/planning for new culinary/vendor venture
  • Marketing ideas for ComposurE, the hubby, and their album release
  • Working on The Book.  my book…  
  • Planning Vacations [cuz i gotta keep my chi in check]
  • keeping my blog game tight for  What The Hellz, WTF, Boogie, and you.
  • Raising the smartest son EH-VER.  [just had to add that in there.  proud mommy indeed]

cleanin’ out the closet

this last weekend i did a major cleanup of my closet.  i had so many clothes, it took over my room, the floor, and any empty space it could find. as i was going thru tons and tons and tons of old clothes to try and figure out what to keep, what to toss, and what to put in storage, i found that it was like going thru a photo album.  

i caught myself thinking.. “oh i wore this the night of my birthday.  i dont remember the night but at least i looked cute.”  or “dude, i paired this with those jeans to happy hour with angela.  i miss her.”  and “eww u know whats-her-face has this same top. note to self, never wearing this again”  and even “oh god this still has the tag on it?  why did i even buy this?”

a lot of my clothes indicate the things that were happening in my life, and just about me in general.    i have a thousand and five tunics from my pregnancy days that have actually been useful post-partum.  put a belt on that bitch and the shirt turns into the cutest dress.   lots of knit sweaters from being so cold all the time in the SF fog, even in the summer.  denim thats one size too small but i refuse to get rid of it cuz bitch, i might get skinny again.  lots of florals cuz i swear i’m a hippy.   solid essentials make up the bulk of my closet cuz you can never go wrong with black and white.  and then there are things that blow my mind.   like that dress that makes me look like a farmer.  or that purple lace getup a la 1986 Madonna.   or that top that looks like i bought it at the flea market… or that skirt that looks like a bandeau bra.   WTF was i thinking!?

the funny thing is tho, is that i can remember where i bought these, what i bought it for, who i was with, and where i wore it to.   cuz like music, my clothes take me back to a specific time and place. its like a flashback to a memory and i always end up smiling.  and i think thats why its so hard for me to get rid of shit, cuz i’ve had the best memories in em. 

my husband had to intervene and put my whole “maybe” pile into the “hell no” pile to be sold at buffalo exchange.  (sadness).   and i had to explain to him why i shed a tear for “shit that i’m never gonna wear again”.   [dont ever let your husband decide what gets to go, btw. its a fight waiting to happen].   the whole experience was liberating cuz i feel like i’m starting fresh, and getting rid of the clutter in my closet and in my head and in my life!   cuz now i have the choice and freedom to reinvent my style, and reinvent myself.  not that i want to, but if i did, i’d be able to….cuz my closet is clean.  feel me? 

and even tho im hella butthurt cuz i shoulda kept that one ruffle halter (cuz it would go so good with the skirt i’m wearing today) the good thing is, that now i have extra room for new clothes and new memories.   and did i mention that i get three paychecks in july?  =)   who wants to stimulate the economy with me?  

btw, i ‘m making room for that Hellz Tied Up tank cuz im soooo winning that giveaway.

progress. not perfection.

i am a work in progress. 

i am on my way to becoming the person i want to be.  i want to be the soccer mom a la carol brady.  i want to be the wife that kicks martha stewart’s ass.  i want to be the daughter that buys her parents a home.  i want to be the cook that serves orgasms on a plate at every gathering and publishes recipes.   i want to be the blogger that everyone quotes.  i want to be the friend that never lets you down. i want to be the stranger that you want to meet.  i want to be the person in your life that refuses to let you feel unappreciated. 

cuz i’ve been inspired.  and i want to inspire u.   so that u can inspire somebody else and pay that shit forward.   

 ever feel like ur soul is on fire?    someone or something opens the door and ur smacked in the face with a passion for something u never knew u had?    and u start to explore yourself more and u work harder at ur own happiness and realize that u were dead before. u were just floating on what u think u should be doing rather than what ur heart tells u to be doing.. u were just…  existing? 

if i’m going to be alive, i might as well be incredible.  i want to do more than just exist.

and although i cannot finitely say i’m done,  i can say that i’m doing with as much conviction as my cold black heart lets me. 

my soul is on fire. and  i dont need no water, let that muthafucka burn.

such is life.

“its something ur parents never tell u about getting older. that the world becomes littered with ppl ur convinced u’ll never see again but inevitably do.”
as of late i’ve been reconnecting with people that i’ve known, but never befriended.  people from my childhood that have been written off in my mind but have since come around and reminded me of their presence.  and it kind of feels good to get to really KNOW people that i’ve literally known my whole life.  
its crazy to me how much people  have changed, and how much they’ve stayed the same… how much i’ve changed, and how people i never could have been friends with before are on the exact same page as i am now.  
the Rev said that my friends are a prophecy of my future.  if thats the case, then my shit’s lookin bright cuz i got the illest people by my side.  =)

Yes man

i’m a sagittatrius.  which means i have an innate desire to make the people around me happy.   i tend to commit to too many things and i feel bad when i have to say no. if it is within my power to make you happy, then so be it.    i have a lot, a lot, a lot of friends (they dont call the hubby “The Mayor” for nothing) and its draining trying to keep up with everyone’s circles.   

sometimes though, i feel like i lost myself in other people.  trying to please my parents, my friends, my husband, my son, my boss, my doctor.. i feel like..  a yes man.  always saying yes to those that matter the most to me even when it means saying no to what i really wanted. 

but even though i know this about myself, i see this within me, the desire to people please still burns bright.  according to my astrology book, one of the dislikes of a sag is public disapproval.  (can i get an amen from my sag buddies out there?)  and even though being born at the end of the year means i’m fun, optimistic, outgoing, and damn sexy (i swear, my book says sag’s are incredibly good looking) i felt as though i was a nomad.  i felt as if i did not have a permanent place in life, a niche that i can call my own. 

for the longest i thought that maybe saying “yes” would lead me to really finding myself and this soul searching that i’ve been trying to do would have a purpose.   cuz saying yes opens doors and opens opportunities, right?  you do different things with different people… you expand your horizons and you really get to know what you like and what u dont like.. who is on the same wavelength as you are and who is just bringing u down…  friends get filtered and all of a sudden your bff is like cancer to ur soul.   and one day you realize that by saying “yes” you have been changed.   

u know what tho, i was right.   saying “yes” when Kris suggested i start blogging made me realize how much i like to write.   saying “yes” to getting my passport introduced me to my love of travel and exploration.   saying “yes” to my husband and son filled the need for family.   saying “yes” when Lawn asked me to blog for Hellz helped me realize that i relate to people on a deeper level than i ever imagined.  and i guess that being a yes man helped me figure out what being ME was all about. 

so i guess this whole “yes man” dilemma isnt such a bad thing.  cuz saying “yes” makes the people i love happy.  and nothing makes me happier than seeing them smile.   so in the end, as long as i dont compromise my own happiness while trying to pacify yours, then its all good in the hood.   cuz i think i found my niche.  and it feels like home.

whats good in the (mother)HOOD.

blissfully uneventful sundays are my forte.

i spent mother’s day in my sweats, at home, playing with Adonis. We visited Mateo’s gravesite and ate applesauce and cookies in the sunshine and I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE.

i can finally say that i’m at a place where ive forgiven myself. i’ve stopped asking myself if i could have done anything different. i’ve stopped going over it in my head again and again and again. and it feels AMAZING. and although i still don’t feel whole, my heart does not feel empty. i spent yesterday feeling… joyous.

mike and i took our mamas out last night to dinner and i looked at them and understood. i understand what it means to love someone more than i possibly thought i could love anyone. i remember when i fell in love for the first time.. i was actually amazed that someone could feel so deeply about someone else… then when i fell in love with mike i felt like…. i loved him so much that my heart was gonna explode into a thousand pieces. i didnt think there was room in my soul for anymore love… and then i met our son. and its like that, times a gazillion and one plus infinity and beyond.

growing up my mom used to always preach to me. in between all the “buwisit” and the “puneta” and the “mag sisise ka pag wala ka ng magulang” (yes i’m a fob AND WHAT?) she would always say that i would never understand her until i have children of my own. and betcha by golly wow she was right. and i’m sure she was always right, i was just too hard headed and self absorbed to realize it. and i know everyone goes thru the growing pains of life, but my mom has been absolutely on point about all my pain of growing. i now believe that she’s a genius. and u bet ur ass she still says “buwisit” and “puneta” but u can also bet ur right leg that what she says no longer goes in one ear and out the other. and god, i appreciate her.

motherhood is the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. its the biggest responsibility of my life. its also the most rewarding. it never fails to teach me lessons that i’ve never learned and to surprise me with happiness i’ve never known. i also know that its the most worthwhile task that will ever be asked of me, and i’m completely game for whatever comes next.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, YO!

“Bitches live forever..


..and you’re the bitchiest bitch i know”

That was put on a note from my NBF Queenie last week… last week when i was freaking the fuck out… last week when God smacked me with a chin check… last week when i was faced with my own mortality as a cancer scare had my equilibrium off track…

today i received news that the lump i found during a self breast exam is actually called a fibroadenoma. and poses no risk to my health.

i am healthy. i am cancer free. i am ECSTATIC! i cannot begin to express how i feel today. i feel… relieved. i kind of also feel like i cheated death? cuz it totally could have been cancer. it could have been stage 3. i could have been fat and bald from chemo 5 months from now. but i wont be. cuz its not anything to worry about. so why do i feel bittersweet?

all i know is that i am ready to celebrate life! MY life. my HEALTHY life. (and the fact that i get to keep my barely existant tits)… katchafire and rebel souljahz concert this weekend and i hope they stock enough patron at the bar cuz i’m about to shut it down! hahaha.

Jesus walks with me. i am so blessed. enjoy the sunshine!

unicorn status.

feeling a little introspective today and i’d like to pose a question.

do u think utopia is attainable?

like.. do u think its a real place where happiness exudes from your pores and you are left wanting nothing? and i dont mean complacency, but true contentment… where your positive energy elevates you to a place where the air is thin and the lack of oxygen gets you high on life….

my objective in life is to grasp the concept of two things. infinity and utopia. ultimately, to feel utopic till infinity.

how do i get there and where do i start is a question that i ask myself on the daily. is what i’m doing right now conducive to my goal? if it aint, it needs to go. thats one of the reasons why im trying to gave up cigarettes, cuz how the hellz am i supposed to enjoy infinity if i’m busy smoking cancer sticks right? hmm. i think i’m pretty badass in my aspirations to have it all, but does having it all necessarily mean finally being happy??

i’m a woman. and as women, are we ever satisfied? in my experience, NO. i guess my question is, when do i know when to stop pushing myself for a brighter tomorrow and start enjoying the sunshine today? when will today be my utopia?

sometimes i feel the need to unlearn the lies of the culture that surrounds me before its possible to learn the truth about my happiness in life… gah! i’m babbling. but i wanna say one last thing —
that pot of gold is within our reach, i know you can feel it.

p.s. is life sans cigarettes making me looney or WHAT?!

life 1. me 0.

i am not ur superwoman. not today. not right now.

it was the straw that broke the camel’s back and i have reached my breaking point. i feel like screaming or laughing or crying or all of the above but i feel if i do.. i have admitted defeat.

i feel as if the weight of the world is on my back. with trying to be a good wife and mother, a responsible adult, a hard worker, a kick ass writer, a great friend and just maintaing my all around awesomeness… its fucking wearing me down. this grown shit is weighing down my heart. and today i just can’t bear it all.

i can’t do everything! i just CAN’T! not today. not right now.

today, i just wanna be an ordinary girl, with ordinary thoughts doing ordinary tasks with a mundane life. i want to use my free pass today. i want to pass go, collect my $200, and turn in my get out of jail free card. life is a fucking gamble and most of the time the house wins but once in a while u get to hit it big and i keep waiting for my win. i’m still waiting.

i want to just be me. no strings attached. and i guess i’ve learned that i can have everything. i just can’t have everything all at once.

i hope its ok that superman wants to just be clark kent. just for today. just for right now.

“Fresh off the Jess”

so that was my attempt at branding my girl Jess. haha… it didnt work out, but at least i tried right? I’ve mentioned jess a few times before and if u havent paid any attention to her i suggest u start because she should NOT BE SLEPT ON. i admire this girl so much its ridiculous. i should just call her “go girl” cuz she a go getter if i’ve ever seen one…

she contributes to a gazillion blogs cuz she is that important. if u havent done ur homework on this one, i suggest u do so now..

to know her is to love her.. and if u wanna fall in love as much as i have.. check her out here. She makin things happen so just try and keep up ok?