amazering.

the other day i was playing this game on aim with my friends… superlatives.. u have to name “the best hair, best eyes, nicest smile, best steez” but it has to be a real person and someone the both of u know. and throughout the day, i started to realize that i have AMMMAAAZZZINNGG people in my life. not just that, but i think that everyone is absolutely amazing. and it kinda blew my mind.

the “who i’d like to meet” section on my myspace says this:
“I believe you deserve everything your heart desires.Im excited about all youre about to experience and what you already have. you deserve an applaud for all your accomplishments because no one gives you enough credit for what youve been through. I admire you for picking yourself up despite all the blows youve taken and trying to get this whole thing right. That pot of gold is within our reach, I know you can feel it. Walk with me til the end of the rainbow. Id love to hear your story. “

and as i was re-reading it yesterday i came to a realization that, this explains so much about my character. i am so excited about life.. my life.. your life.. your experiences.. and i am completely and genuinely interested in what you have to share with me. credit is due where its deserved and i’d like to give it to ya….

sorry, am i talkin outta my ass right now? i woke up waaay to early this morning and am currently high on life.

p.s. life sans cigarettes: day 8. i’m still alive. and i can breathe a lot better. =)

i am SO LIVE.

my girl lawn that i write with on WTForks asked me to start writing for Hellz Bellz!! u do not understand how excited i am!
p.s., i’d like to spend a special shout to jess.. whom i’ve known since i was 12. as she is reason i’m blogging for WTF and meeting dope as people like lawn. i love u jess. *tear* lmao! also, to kris, as she is the reason i’m blogging. period.

intoxicating

last week a friend asked me a question that threw my equilibrium off and made my head spin.

“when was the last time u pushed urself to the limit?”

my answer? SILENCE.

for the first time in a long time, i was left speechless. “it shouldnt be this hard” i told myself. i should KNOW this.. but it was hard and i didnt know it and i couldnt answer. i didnt have one interesting story to tell. kinda pathetic yeah? and it bothered me enough that today, a week later, i’m still reflecting on it.

im kind of a scary. im scared of roller coasters, terrified of heights, spiders and i am DEATHLY afraid of the water. so ive always steered clear of shit that’ll put my life in jeopardy such as jumping out of a perflectly good working plane (who does that?) and deep sea diving or whatever.

but u know what? i want my heart to race. i want to feel exhilerated and carefree and i want to FLY. i think a few blogs ago i said, “sometimes u gotta jump if u wanna get lifted.” so maybe i should take my own advice.

u down? i got healthcare. lets do it. BOOM!

ashes to ashes.. dust to dust..

i meant to write this yesterday but got so caught up with writing for my other blog that i didnt get a chance. but i wont apologize. i’m writing it now. here we go.

it was ash wednesday yesterday, the start of the lentin season. for those of you who aren’t catholic, lent is the season directly preceding easter. it is a time to reflect, to fast, and to abstain in rememberance of Jesus’ sacrifice for us. ever see that movie “40 days and 40 nights” where homie abstains from sex? thats that. this season i have decided to give up smoking.

yes. i am a smoker. yes. i swear like a gangsta rapper. yes. i eat fatty foods. yes. i dont give a fuck. i quit smoking when i was pregnant and have since picked it back up because cigarettes and alcohol just go so well together. but lately, i’ve been inspired to healthify. and i dont care if healthify isnt a real word, its what popped into my head and its what is going down on paper.

along with healthifying my life, i’ve made a conscious decision to never censor myself. ever. im that girl that gives u the brutal truth with a smile on her face, cuz frankly, u need to hear it from someone and it might as well be me. but i can also handle shit talkers and if u got shit to say, LET IT RAIN. dont gotta be shit shit. just u know.. shit. haha did that make sense? probably not but whatever.

ever meet someone or see something and be inspired? u all of a sudden want to better urself for the sake of ur future, because u make ur own bed and u sleep in it later and u reap what u sew and all that jazz.. so u promise urself u’ll be better than u are because ur never the best u can be at any given moment. but then that ‘instant gratification’ shit kicks in and u dont wanna work so hard bc u’d rather just sit at home and play video games or shop or watch real world because blood, sweat, and tears are way overrated. and then 2 years later ur back at where u started wondering how u managed to do NOTHING and go NOWHERE.

fuck the bullshit and fuck the cliches. think outside the box. word smart and not just hard. with the economic crisis in the worst state of my lifetime, and along with the realization that tomorrow is never promised… the future is thrown out the window. today, i will be the best version of me for TODAY. tomorrow, i’ll be better than today. the day after that, will be better than tomorrow. one day at a time people. small steps.

u should look at urself everyday and say, “hey. i’m the shit.” and if u dont already do so, try it. because u need to hold urself on a pedastol so u dont settle for mediocre.. because u know what? i’m the shit and i dont settle. she’s the shit and she shouldnt settle. ur the shit and u wont settle. if no one’s there to tell u how fly u are, that doesnt mean u aint fly. it just means no one around u has the balls enough to pay a compliment where its due.

u know what? i got big balls. and even though i’m really not this cocky, i come off as such because im gonna fake it till i make it. and when i do make it, i’ll look back and be able to say i really believed in myself. cuz today, i havent had a cigarette. which means today, i’m better than i was yesterday. even though i’m already having nicotine withdrawals and nervous twitching.. but fuck it.. cuz IM THE SHIT.

dear diary..

im talkin with my girl about this guy she likes… and i dont understand why she’s waiting for him to make the first move. we’ve been over the criteria (which if u havent read, i suggest u do so, because every woman should) .. and he passes with flying colors..

but yet she still waits and waits. i mean, whats wrong with going after what you want? opportunity dont always come a knockin, so just build a door right? i get that u wanna be swept off ur feet, but it dont always happen and sometimes u gotta jump if u wanna get lifted.

on another note… i think feb has been a GREAT month. hawaii kicked it off right, then valentine’s day.. celebrating life.. the husband’s birthday.. and snowboarding.. man, who gets to say they can snowboard and surf in the same month? I DO. =)

get up. get out. get some.

bringin it back.

sometimes the best thing to say at the moment is something you’ve already said.

back on the grind after a hiatus from my 9-5, and i realize that i dont wanna be here. and i’m not just talking about physically..let-me-just-call-in-and-play-hookie-dont wanna be here.. BUT I DONT WANNA BE HERE.. as in, if i have to hustle like this for the rest of my life i’d rather shoot myself in the foot.

i am a wife, a mother, a sister, a best friend…and i embrace those titles whole-heartedly. i, on the other hand, am NOT a “patient services specialist” or whatever the fuck the MAN wants to call me. i have a ferver for life and exploration, and constantly want to try new, fun things. but this job.. this work.. this grind… is draining the passion outta me.

passion — whatta word. according to the dictionary it means “a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept.” according to me it means rushing home everyday after work so i can give my son smelly kisses. it means pulling my man outside so he can kiss me in the rain even if its 40 degrees outside. it means dragging my ass outta bed even when i dont really want to so i can enjoy the sunshine in SF… it means going to the gun range because they said so. it means picking up the phone and calling that friend who i havent talked to in awhile to catch up and actually BE A FRIEND. it means booking that flight to new york for the simple fact that its on sale today.

do you ever feel like the sun is shining for you? because it does. its says ‘hey bitch! get ur ass up and DO SHIT!” go play tourista and rediscover your love for the city. go pick up your cousin and eat at your favorite restaurant as you talk shit about “that girl”.. go read a book at rockaway beach while u make fun of that male jogger wearing those pink hotpants. go bake a cake or something and give it to ur mom who u havent visited in a week. much more satisfying than pretending to work in an office.

i yearn for days where i have the option to do any and all of these things.. and i currently loathe my days full of bullshit work. i daydream all day about something DIFFERENT. anything else. i am no longer going to accept evenings and weekends as MY time. i am on a MISSION to revive my passion for my DAYS and restore my ardor for life… walk with me till the end of the rainbow..

stay tuned for more ‘dear diary’ shit if i ever feel like it. urgh. back to the hell! (who wants to kidnap me and take me to the beach?)*on a side note Tat, Miche, and I are making panties. seriously. check us out here. buy a panty. network. whatever. everyday.SXE. because SXE is standing in the rain as you push me up against the hood of your car, tearin up my shirt and kissing me with the intent to never stop. and we believe u should feel like that everyday.* … .

one of these days ill be able to turn this part time gig into my full time gig… and then i’ll be calling ur ass to catch the fuck up and be a friend.

growing pains

“we know we’re near the end.. the best is ready to begin.”

that was my high school senior quote. little did i know how true that could be. endings are always bittersweet, because there is always something new following it. its the 26th of january, and only now do i find the time to reflect on the last year, on my circumstances and my character, and put it down on paper..

2008 was the most trying year of my life, emotionally. i gave birth to twins, buried one, and tried to hold myself together as the other fought his way through the NICU. i took 6 months off of work as the economy worsened, watched my credit go to shit, cut back on shopping while trying to maintain my standard of living. i went out, and on vacations to try and keep my “chi” in check, but there were nights when i didnt think i could stand to wake up in the morning. i fell out with my best friend, and even though i dont regret the outcome, it always hurts when you lose someone you cared for in any way, shape, or form.

one of Adonis’ ninongs told me, that he never really liked me till i got pregnant. (gee thanks, ariel) and that motherhood changed me. i think tee had the best summation of my character when she said “Rachel? she’s not friendly but she’s a good friend.” my best friend cat said that i am the meanest and yet most caring person she’s ever known. (how thats possible i’m not sure) but i think this year, i became the epitome of opposite juxtaposition. this year i let it all go, i let it all hang out, and i let it all change me.

my husband and i celebrated our one year marriage anniversary last year… and i really have no words to explain how i feel about him. he drives me absolutely INSANE, but i wouldnt want to be sane with anybody else. he has been the steady hand to my shaken soul, has cried with me, for me, about me and still choses to spend every night asleep next to me. if that aint love, i dont know what is.

through it all, i’ve gained perspective. i know WHERE i’ve been and where i’m going. i know WHAT i’m willing to fight for. i know WHO i will ride or die for. i know WHEN to close my eyes and jump, and HOW to let God take care of the rest.

good to great in 2008. see me shine in 2009.
boss bizness.. here we go.

sittin on top of the world.


i am BLESSED. all the people who mean anything to me have taken a time out to wish me a happy birthday. i haven’t truly celebrated my birthday in like 3 years cuz 1. its so close to the holidays that i’m usually just too stressed out, 2. last year was my big 2-5, but i was 7 months pregnant, and 3. i’m kind of a big deal everyday, not just on my birthday. ha.

more than ever, i feel…. complete. i’ve let go of those who have nothing positive to contribute to my life, all the while nurturing the friendships i have with amazing people who make life that much easier to endure. my ride or die chicks… my around the way girls…my amazing family…buckle up cuz the ride to the top is gonna be ridiculous.

life is grand, God is great, and i’m finally able to revisit that point where i’m absolutely content, not complacent, with my life. i’m convinced that i’m exactly where i’m supposed to be and THAT my friends, is what has me on cloud nine.

happy twenty six to me. herrrreee we goo!

maryyyyyy…

i read this poem on gailey’s blog yesterday that really smacked me in the face. how many times do we make the same mistake in our lives, before we realize we need to change? thanks mary fo’ da kine truth like dat.

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters
By: Portia Nelson
Chapter I
I walk down the street, there is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter II
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.
Chapter III
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in… it’s a habit … but,
my eyes are open.
I know where i am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter IV
I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter V
I walk down another street.

wait for it… wait for it..

– 2 weeks: i turn twenty-six. i made 25 look flossy. watch what i do with 26….
– 1 month: my boys turn oneeee! i cant believe i’ve been a mom for a year already. time flies!
– soon: snowboarding. nts, get new gear.
– 2 months and 2 days: pro bowl in hawaii.. 808 watch out!
– free time. sounds simple but ive forgotten what it feels like.
– who knows when: new job. i need one. i hate work.