Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

my Hellz short story for July.   click here to read the rest:  Enjoy!  
Part 1
Part 2
Part 4
Part 5

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell – pt 3

Posted by raaachem on 15th July 2010

10:43 and I take my first shot of Crown.  With a water back.  (Who the fuck does that?!)    Three minutes later and I take my second.  Fuck, this tastes like shit.

The music is bumpin, my feet don’t hurt yet and I just checked my coat.  My girls and I head to the bathroom to fix our lipstick and gossip. 

And then I see him.   12:04 am.   How long has he been here?  How long have I not noticed him?   Damn he’s lookin’ MIGHTY dapper in his button up.  I open the door to the bathroom and freak the fuck out.   My girls notice my obvious awkwardness as I try to apply my lipstick – and do it wrong about 4 times.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“HE’s here.”
“And again.  What the fuck is wrong with you?  Just go say hi.”

They’re right.  I’ll just go over there and say hi. 
Nice to see you. 
Fancy seeing you here. 
Can I buy you a drink?
Something like that.  Something that doesn’t make me sound like a bonafide lunatic or a loser.   I’m not sure which is worse.

12:10 am.  We walk out of the bar and my eyes immediately go to the spot I saw him last.   Nada.   I quickly scan the room in search of him while I still have the balls to actually say something to him.   Nothing.    Cool.  I can go on with my night.

12:28 and my girl whispers to me.
“He’s at the bar.  GO.”  
Fuck.  I turn around to the bar and sure enough, there he is.   Hectic insides are the DEATH OF ME.   I grab my girl’s Adios, take it to the face and run to the bathroom to make sure I haven’t already turned into a sloppy drunken wench.   Beer goggles on, I’m still lookin’ fly as fuck.   Here I go.

At exactly 12:32 I walk out of the bathroom and he’s still there.  One foot in front of the other till I get there as I’m rehearsing different ways to say “Hey.”   And then I hear it.  A small voice, calling him a really cutesy form of his name–which any self-respecting man would NEVER allow himself to be called in public unless… of course…it was… his girlfriend.   In the flesh.  Standing right next to him like she came out of his pocket.   

12:36 and we’re already in the car, leaving.  My girl starts the car.. “That place was wack anyway.  Where we going next?”   
“Drop me off in hell,” I say. “Oh wait, I’m already there.”  

Fuck my fucking life.


To New Beginnings

June is over already?!  Whaaat?!?!    If you didn’t catch my short story on Hellz last month, now’s your chance!    Here’s part 2 of June’s story…  click for parts 1, 3, and 4….     (And don’t forget to read part 1 of this month’s story, Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell)   Enjoy! 

To New Beginnings – part 2.

As I’m wrapping these picture frames in bubble wrap, I stop.   My erratic breathing catches and I actively force myself to swallow a throat full of tears. Surrounded by box after box after box of my clothes, shoes, pictures, and belongings, I feel a sense of displacement. 

I neither belong here nor there.  I no longer belong here, as I’m packing my things up.  I can’t stay here, I can’t leave myself here.  I don’t belong there yet… my future apartment is currently empty, dark, unknown.  I have not yet made any memories, imprinted any footmarks.  I belong in boxes, somewhere in between.  I am in limbo. 

My entire life as I’ve known it now fits into 10 boxes, into 1 U-haul, parked in 1 driveway.   I’ve never felt so small nor so insignificant, ever.   I take a second and vow to make a bigger difference, to create waves, to build opportunities and open my own doors.  I promise myself to be remarkable, starting today.   I tell myself that I am all that I have.   No one will be there to bail me out, pick me up, pay for my rent…. and I better not let myself down. 

I walk out into the driveway and see that look again.  I go down the line of people standing there, waiting.  Waiting for me to get up and leave.  Waiting for me to start a new life.  Waiting for me to drive off into the sunset so they can finally let themselves cry.   My mom, then my Dad, my sisters, my best friend, and then Him.  He is the last one in line.  

He hugs me.  He hugs me so tight, I can’t breathe.   
“I love you.  Don’t go.  Please.”

It could be so easy to just say fuck it.   Run back upstairs, unpack these measely 10 boxes into my old room, order pizza, and resume my life.   But as much as I’m unsure about my future, I do know this: I know that I do not belong here. 

After he hugs me, I grab his hand.   It’s a hand that I’ve grown to love over the course of our relationship.  It’s the hand that held mine as we walked down the street to dinner.   The same hand that comforted me when I was sick and wiped away the tears from the loss of my grandmother.    Its the hand that caresses my face in bed and points at me during our uncontrollable bits of laughter.  I know this hand as it has become my safety net.  I hold this hand as tight, and as long as I can bear to stand.  

And then I hear this little voice inside my head say, “I want a bigger life, therefore I will be the bigger person.” 

So, I let go.

Because letting go isn’t about giving up.  It’s about growing up, and its about damn time I do so.

To Dye For

Lawn and the rest of my folks over at Hellz SERIOUSLY need to just stop.  Cuz my wallet isn’t very happy with me right now. Check out the Summer drop, perfect for when summer actually decides to grace us with its presence.  

Summer is a season notorious for adventure and spontaneity, which provided the perfect inspiration for the HELLZ Summer ‘To Dye For’ delivery. The collection is composed of bold silhouettes as summer staples, combined with marble dye fabric and fringe details in a dynamic mixture that reflects summer; the love the lust, fate and fortune, all things ‘To Dye For’… pun intended!


PG 02

PG 04

PG 05

PG 06

PG 08

PG 10

PG 14

She Keeps on Passin Me By.

April’s short story for Hellz Bellz.  Read parts 1, 2, 3, and 5 on Hellz.  

She Keeps on Passin Me By – Part 4.

I pull up to the parking lot and prep myself for today’s possibilities.   I hope she’s here.   Will I have the balls to say more than 5 words to her?   I hop out the car and as I walk towards the gym I tell myself…

Be cool.  Be normal.  

She’s walks out of the front door just as I’m saying this outloud.  She smiles.   FUCK I hope she didn’t hear me, cuz thats neither cool nor normal.    She’s grabbing something out of her car — a black 4Runner with snowboard racks.   She snowboards?   She’s the outdoors type?  That’s hot, I like that.    Maybe I can ask her about that today….  What can I say to her without sounding like a total ruh-tard?

“My dear, my dear, my dear, you do not know me but I know you very well
Now let me tell you about the feelings I have for you.”

As I’m sitting there waiting, tryin to think of something cool and normal to say, she walks back in.   She looks right at me and smiles;  I could get used to this.  

I get up to walk in and accidentally smash her with my ridiculously large gym bag.  Mortified, I quickly turn around and grab her to apologize.  I’m holding her hand…. and she’s holding mine back.  

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine, don’t worry.”

I wonder if she’s aware of our hand holding right now, because every nerve in my body is on FIRE.   My feet want to dance, my head is screaming, “Go hand!  Go hand!”   We’re touching.   On purpose.   And looking at her is like looking in the mirror because we both have this crazy wide smile on our faces.   I almost feel like I’m 15 again. 

Be cool.  Be normal.

One-Two-Three-Four-Five *SMILE*

Class is amazing, complete with butterflies from the occasional eye contact and smile.   I have the most clever thing to say to her after class today.  I can’t wait.   As we’re all prepping to leave, I’m just waiting for the right moment to initiate a conversation.   She’s not looking my way.   She’s getting up and walking past… I wave.   Nothing.   And just like that, she’s gone again.  

“Whenever she happens to walk by, why does the apple of my eye
Overlook and disregard my feelings no matter how much I try?”


I rep.  HARD.


Hellz Spring 2010 Video Short!

Title: “Hellz hath no fury”

Directed by: LANIE & BAMSKI
Edited by: IKSMAB
Writer: Brittany Wood
Actress #1: Mink Jin
Actress #2: Alice Kallenius
Actress #3: Donovan
Photography by: Allen Chu
Music by: Marie La Foret

As Spring reaches it’s mid-point with the newly released “Oh Bondage, Up Yours!”, Hellz welcomes in a new kind of medium to the usual uniformity of a look-book, and creates a life like version of the strong feminine aesthetic Hellz is known for in the video short “Hellz Hath No fury”. The short film features the form flattering “Runaways” mesh bust dress, as well as a few other Hellz Spring favorites. “Hellz Hath No Fury” represents Hellz as a dominant individual taking charge, and standing tall in an industry that involves a heavy does of dog-eat-dog mentality and boundless confidence. ” Hellz Hath No Fury”, follow no one and never shy from your own future

About HELLZ:Hellz was born the brainchild of Lanie & Bam in the gritty streets of New York and let loose upon the world in 2005. Hellz aims to reintroduce strength, individuality, and sexual empowerment with a sassy, balls to the walls approach. Kill that cutesy, helpless damsel in distress noise; the bad girls, the bookworms, and divas alike are represented. To reflect a woman deeper than the hyper-feminine stereotype, Hellz calls to all women to confront conformity, tear down boundaries, and rewrite the rules. From the back alleys to the art galleries, the suburbs to Broadway…wake up, take charge, and let it be known, “LONG LIVE HELLZ!”

Electric Relaxation

March’s short story for Hellz was a fun one!    Check out parts 1, 2, and 4  on Hellz!  Stay tuned for April’s short story comin’ atcha tomorrow.  its  DOOZY and my favorite one to date.  =)  

Electric Relaxation – part 3.

Fuck.  This.  Shit.

I can’t take this shit.  This being ignored type shit.   I’m tired of being his “back door bitch.”  I want that come thru the front door, fuck him the daylight, hold hands down the street type shit.  That kiss me in the daytime when we go get ice cream type shit.  I want to leave my toothbrush at his house type shit.  I left my boyfriend for him, he needs to awknowledge me type shit.   I want that “not just a booty call” but a girl to call just to say hi type shit.

Cuz I don’t like this drunk texting type shit.  Or this “call you when I’m alone” type shit.  And this flirt with other girls then text me to come over type shit.   Then that leave in the morning before you go to work type shit.  And I especially hate this “Baby Baby Baby” not callin’ me by my name type shit.

Did i sign up for this type shit?  Did I set myself up for this type shit?

I’m calling bullshit.

He wants that shit, I’ma give him that shit.   That I-can-fuck-around-too-type-shit.    I can pretend like I don’t care type shit.   That he ain’t no thang type shit.


And I ain’t gonna fall for his godamn smirk shit, either.

I gotta admit tho….I kinda love that shit.

the flowers are blooming in Hellz.

It’s motherfucking springtime…  and Lawn never ceases to amaze me with her releases.   I got a sneak peek at the Hellz Bellz Spring ’10 line the last time I was in LA, and honey lemme tell you, I’ve been peeing my panties ever since.

Please believe everything here will soon be in my closet.  Check the new line here and the new and improved site!   Go ‘head Lawn…  

Hellz is proud to present our new Spring Collection, “Obsessed with You,” a collection photographed by Brooke Nipar and modeled by Xian, that reflects an obscure view of modern fashion and the obsession that it becomes. A minimal color story reflects the theme of obsession with the main focus on the unique and simplistic details of each silhouette.  The Killa, in particular, is a cowl neck tunic given a hint of seductiveness through the use of a subtle zipper detail at the back of the dress.  An exciting new take on the traditional blazer is Coat Tailz,  which features a circle cut and a unique draped back.

With this new and daring collection, Hellz continues to cross boundaries with well thought-out design and carefully crafted details as well as demonstrating that fashion may be work to some and it may be a hobby for others, but for popular culture it will forever be an obsession.



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