Hold on.

currently playing.  “I can feel it, calling in the air tonight… hold on.”

For those of you who are 80s babies like me and can actually hear this song playing in your head, also imagine me sitting at my window staring at the rain being the MOST EMO. EVER. IN LIFE.

I’ve been going thru the motions lately–  a time in my life where nothing seems to make sense and everything is going left when I need it to go right.  I’m confused, hurt, confused, angry, confused…..  did i say confused?  

In an effort to keep from going off the deep end, I picked up some reading by the Dalai Lama…   

*aside:  I’ve grew up Catholic, went to a Christian elementary school, a Catholic high school, had CCD classes AND always wanted to be “born again.”  To say I was religiously confused is an understatement.   In college I took my first Philosophy class.  It was the very first class that changed my life. *

Although this wasn’t the first time I’ve read about Buddhism, it was the first time Buddhism spoke to me.   The Dalai Lama and his teachings, the belief system, the spirituality of it all — it took a hold of my broken soul and SHOOK ME TO THE CORE. 

OM MANI PADME HUM — a Tibetan mantra that contains the essence of the entire teaching.    And its currently saving my life.  

p.s. going for a touch up in a couple weeks since apparently, my skull is pushing out the ink on that first symbol.  WACK.   On an other note, go see my homies  at LUCKYVANS tattoo in SF. 


my Bakeries.

if you know anything about me, you know i keep good company.  one of the people very near and dear to my heart is my BAKERies…  she’s the kind of girl you wanna throw bricks at because she’s so goddamn beautiful.   she’s the kind of girl you can’t hate because she’s so fucking hilarious, and she’s the kind of girl you’d go to hell and back for…  or hawaii about 27 times.  

i’m a big, sappy, ball of love today and thinking about her impending move has me all choked up.  over the last 8 years, she’s been nothing short of an amazing friend.   and altho SF has grown too small for her big dreams,  home is where the heart is.   

lets take a trip down memory lane… back when neither of us wore makeup and your ass couldn’t drive.      when we DROVE our asses to vegas and counted down to 2002 on the strip.   when i’d scream ur name at ur many competitions as you took first and then overall–  you’re still the best dancer i’ve ever seen.    when we had convos about rabbits and pek pek holes over the last supper at cha cha cha.   when you almost drowned me parasailing and i almost saved your life snorkeling.  when i went to hawaii with you.. and when we went again… and again… and again.   when we planned our birthdays on that damn partybus and you spilled your shot in my shoe.  (it’s ok, i forgive you.)   and all our endless conversations about life, love, and everything in between..

save a spot on ur new couch for me cuz i’m comin’ more often than not.  remember, igotchu.   

I fucking love you, Baker.   major. 

things i learned today.

– although i understand her position on the matter, i will always stand by mine. 
– i got ur back like chiroprac’.  thru HELLZ and back. 
– i can argue with somebody and still maintain a mutual respect.  didn’t even know i had it in me. 
– in the end, we’re all just ordinary people.   (sing it, Mr. Legend)
– i thrive under pressure. 
– I can’t do it all.  but WE can. 
– being direct and honest gets me from point a to point b seamlessly. 
– i burn almost half my daily caloric intake with bikram yoga. 920 calories POOF’ed outta me.  FUCK YES.

today has been… well..  very interesting to say the least.  i dont need to get into details but i will say this:  choose your tribe wisely.  they can kill you spirit and your dreams with their kindness and good intentions.     i’m blessed enough to have the most awesome tribe EH-VER.  =)    

remember:  don’t let the hand you hold, hold you down.Aubrey O’Day

“this is not a love story.

this is a story about love.”   — 500 days of summer.  KK, this ones’ for you.

sometimes i feel like my life can’t be true.   things happen to me and to people around me that are straight out of a movie script (but make the best Hellz stories.)  girl falls in love with her guy’s best friend, guy is dating his baby mama’s cousin or girl finds her prince charming and her happily ever after.

the only thing that differentiates real life from movie life is that you can’t always tell who the protagonist is.  you don’t know who you’re supposed to be rooting for, and when you’re waist deep in your own shit, your savior can be the devil or your angel… it just depends on who got their first.  as an outsider, watching these stories unfold is kind of amazing.  even if no one else is watching, you choose sides, imagine the outcome, and cant wait to see what happens next.  case in point…

your story isn’t a love story.  it’s a story about love.  i know the ending i want tho, lemme explain.

that guy you fell head over heels in love with is standing 2 inches away from you.   he’s the same guy who broke your heart, but for some reason, thinking about it now is just a vague memory.  the butterflies in your stomach are making it hard to keep a straight face as “small talk” permeates the space between you.   his hands are on your shoulders, and i can hear your heart fluttering from across the table.

as soon as he leaves, you instantly wish he was still standing there — conversing with you, looking into his eyes, hearing his voice say your name..   he is the realest thing you’ve experienced in a long time.  surprisingly (or not surprisingly) its the same way you felt years ago and it’s written all over your face.   we talk about the way it was then…  dates over hot chocolate, movies with the family.  it was all so surreal and so REAL at the same time. “it was the perfect verse over a tight beat”.

with time, that melody got played out.  the timing was off, the commitment wasn’t whole and it took a long time to accept that you weren’t your prince’s princess.  but you finally did, and you got over it.   and although you never forgot, you pushed it back to a place that wouldn’t stop you from moving on…  so you did.. so you are…

but all of a sudden, with a simple kiss hello, its staring back at you along with his brown eyes.  you remember all of it and in that instant, you’re swept away back to that first night you danced with him.  he took your breath away — he takes your breath away.  your heart skips a beat — no, its making one.  you can’t hear his voice over the boom in your chest– its “the perfect verse over a tight beat“.

this is not a movie.  this is not a test.  and just because he couldn’t be your knight in shining armor then, doesn’t mean he can’t be your happily ever after now.   does it?   after all these years and after all the bullshit, you two are so different, and yet so.. exactly.. the .. SAME.

consequently, life isn’t so easy.   between you are people, places, things, time, life…about a thousand steps, and even more regrets.  to be back in that space where only the two of you existed is just wishful thinking.   but even if you don’t believe you can get there again, i do.  i still have faith… i always have.   i still believe you deserve your happy ending, and i believe its with him.

when u find it, its gonna be the best story i’ll ever write.


Love is just love.  For 2010, I promise to try until I can’t anymore, to work until my hands bleed, and to love until I have nothing left.  

p.s. iPhone apps are the shit. Let’s see ur bb do that!

my degree of seperation.

There’s this little piece of paper at my parents house that’s collecting dust in their glass case.    It reads:  Rachel Tan, Bachelor of Science – Business Administration, Cum Laude.   It stands alongside my highschool diploma, my first communion certificate, and my Spanish Honors Society graduation sash.

What does this mean?  It means I endured years of formal education,  went back to school after numerous breaks and finally stuck with a major.    It means I listened to my parents, made them proud, and have something to show for it. 

What does it mean in the real world?   ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.   School and formalized education ain’t for everyone, and I think the school of hard knocks does WONDERS for a person’s character.   But we already know that it really isn’t about what you know, its who you know.   Because everything you don’t know can eventually be learned.  You can learn by doing and experience goes longer in a job interview than a piece of paper.

I’m not saying formal education ain’t worth shit… cuz it is.    But it’s not everything, and most of my adult life has been spent learning this lesson.   

How are you supposed to know what you wanna do for the rest of your life at 18?  And they expect you to pick a major, stick with it, graduate in 4 years, get a job, stay there for 20 years, and retire.  Right?   Only a handful of 18 year olds have enough insight to pursue their passion, and I truly admire them.  I know a few people who have never looked back and have never been happier.. They lived the dream.   For the other 99.8% of the population, we’re the most lost at 18…I was downright stupid.  I got a tattoo that I didn’t need (thinking about covering it up now), I spent a whole paycheck to fly out and visit my boyfriend only to find out he was cheating on me with a married woman, I homewrecked a relationship, I failed my first semester of college, I partied too hard, I joined a cult, and completely LOST myself.   It wasn’t until I was somewhat found, that I decided I was too old to still be an undergrad.  

Now, at 27, I’m still learning.   I’m learning what it is that I love, and how I can turn that into my meal ticket.  I’m learning that my degree will ACTUALLY be of some use in my future endeavors, so long as i know how to apply the shit I learned.   I’m learning that my job is a dead end for my happiness and if I’m ever gonna be who I want to be, I need to leave. 

I thought I’d be done after graduation, but I’m learning that I’m still learning.   Can someone tell me where I can get a BS in Life?   I need to sign up.

my current frustrations.

with men –

  • the toilet seat.   its fucking magical.   it folds UP when you need to use it, and down when i need to.   why people with penises insist on peeing with the toilet seat down and think we won’t notice the pee splatter is beyond me.   
  • how is it that all your dirty clothes end up NEXT TO the hamper, instead of INSIDE IT?
  • your jeans end up a perfect figure 8 on the floor where u left them, as if you magically disappeared n ur pants just slid off.   you’re not getting back into them.  put them away.  its been 3 days.
  • more powerful than the words “Please” and “Thank you” is the words ‘I’m sorry”.  learn about it.
  • toilet paper goes in the holder.  not on top of it. 

with drivers –

  • tailgating me won’t force me to drive any faster.  it will only cause me to abruptly brake, causing you to rear end me.   Can you say, SETTLEMENT? 
  • turn your fucking turn signal on.   it takes ONE FINGER and minimal effort to do it.  let the world know what u’re doing so i know wether or not to honk at u or not. 
  • the speed limit is 50.   why are you going 15?   I MEAN WHY?!
  • get off the celly n stop texting.  you’re driving worse than me and i’m a female AND i’m asian. 

with myself –

  • please dedicate more time into creating a healthy lifestyle. i live for food but its making me FAT. 
  • focus.  focus.  focus.   i multitask with the best of em, but its hard to let things go half ass when i ‘m rushed and/or overwhelmed.
  • step away from the cigarettes.  just fucking do it already.
  • quit fucking complaining.  (does this include this post?.  yeah, huh?)

ok. the end. 

over it.

“I’m over it”

How many times have you heard one of ur homies say that? I’m over her, I’m over him, I’m over it — whatever IT may be. And then how many times have you heard that same person bitch, moan, and complain about “it” for the next 5 months, 3 weeks, and 4 hours? Which then proves how NOT over it they are?

It happens. Cuz we’re too nice and too caring and too forgiving and too human. We miss people, we miss places, and we miss the way it used to be. When we were naive and didn’t know any better, before they showed us their ugly side or before we even cared.

While ur reminiscing on the past, we allow her to get under your skin. We listen in horror as he belittles you in front of his friends, or makes you out to be a fool when he says he’s going somewhere but u know he’s going somewhere else.

But you don’t care.
You’re over it.
You shouldn’t care.
But it stings so bad.
You care.
You’re not over it.

And all of a sudden you’re walking home crying, or staying up crying, or texting her at 1 am crying, but either way you’re still crying cuz you’re far from over it. In fact, you’re way under it and that shit is so heavy its suffocating ur soul.

Let me help u build ur bridge because I want to see you happy again. I need to.

oh, is THAT was she’s saying?

you’re a good girl.  you’ve got ur shit together, you dont have a lot of enemies.  you’ve got a good job, another great internship.  life is fucking grand.  but you’ve got this small problem. 

there’s two solutions to this problem, but the thing is, either way you go will either go against every girl code known to woman, or the trust built between good friends.   its a catch 22 and you’re stuck in between a rock and hard place.  what to do.. what to do.

here’s the story.

you and hot guy are really good friends.  hot guy meets hot girl. they become hot boyfriend and girlfriend.  hot girlfriend is crazy and controlling and psycho. (or so hot guy says).  hot  guy cheats with other girls, some hot. some not.  hot  guy cheats with you.  so hot.   hot-psycho-girlfriend befriends you.   hot psycho girlfriend is more of just a regular girl.  you kind of like hot girlfriend.  hot guy cheats with more girls.   you start feeling bad for hot girlfriend.  you think hot girlfriend who has now become your hot girl friend doesnt deserve shitty treatment. 

here’s the dilema.

do you stay out of it and dont say shit to this girl who is head over heels in love with a douchebag?  

or you do the girl a favor and tell her that her man is a cheating, lying, manipulative asshole and severely damage your friendship with him? 

and maybe it would be a different story if she was a bitch or actually psycho like he says she is but either way, no female deserves to be played the fool for three months let alone three years… right?   

consequently, your friend told you these things in confidence.  you’ve built a friendship over a handful of years and although you two have crossed a line, y’all are still good friends.  and even if you did want to stay out of it, you’re already waist deep in it.   you were the other woman!   YOU.  so now what?

yeah, he might have had a “thing” with her FRIEND but it seems like she’s living life without a care in the world.   but she’s also a secret druggie who, while absolutely gorgeous, majorly sucks at life.    and you don’t.  why did you have to be born with  a conscience?   or a functioning brain? 

 i can’t even begin to tell you what I would do because I’ve been the girl who has minded my business and the girl who’s broke the news and STILL felt like the asshole either way.   

and who says she’ll believe u anyway.. love is fucking BLIND.  and ignorant.  and messy as fuck.  but i do believe that doing nothing is the same as doing the wrong thing.  the thing is, how do you determine what the wrong move is?   

what would you do?