on love and bullshit.

Originally written 051209.  Reposted by request for a friend of mine.  Thank you for continuing to support my movement. 

in an earlier post i said that sometimes, love just isnt enough to keep two people together. and today i got to thinking about WHY.

sometimes the bullshit gets in the way.

have u ever noticed how people act differently given different situations? granted, i know u dont act the same in front of your mom at home as you do with ur girls on any given night out or even with your significant other on a date. but the essence of you.. the core of you should stay the same right?

so why is it that everything you love about someone seems to get thrown out the window as soon as shit hits the fan? the same person who said she would always be there for you is all of a sudden no where near you and runnin her mouth puttin ur bizness on blast. the same person who promised that he aint the kinda guy to fuck around is at the club tryna holla at your fucking cousin. the quiet, reserved girl you fell in love with morphs into the abnoxious chick at denny’s at 2 am who can’t handle her liquor. the “got-my-shit-straight-swagga-right-brown-skin” guy who swept you off your feet turns into someone you dont even recognize. and you can’t even understand why.

i see it like this..

when you’re waist deep in a relationship with someone, you do a lot of compromise. which is of course how it should be — back and forth, meet in the middle, give some take some kinda deal so long as the both of you are moving forward and together. but of course some people lose themselves in the process. some people give too much or take too much or get too comfortable with always having their way.

but you love them anyways. and you look past the flaws, and the selfishness and the pride and you WORK. you work at making it right, you work at making it better, you work at making your relationship work. and then one day you decide to do something for yourself, rather than for her. you decide you want some alone time, rather than a day of nothing with him. and then the switch goes off.

small changes in your thinking translate into big changes in the dynamic of your relationship. more “me” time might be misconstrued as “fuck, she doesnt love me anymore, she’s fuckin around.” saying “no” more often is viewed as “he no longer wants to do this for me, is he falling out of love with me?” the other party starts to feel… rejected. and thats not a feeling that usually coincides with love.

a healthy, equal relationship is a system of checks and balances. you call each other out on ur bullshit. you keep each other in check. but not all relationships are healthy or equal.. and so the rejected party gets desperate. they push their boundaries more… start becoming someone else entirely, picking fights, screaming for attention — all for YOU to prove your love… which in turn does the complete opposite and just pushes you away.

you remember how she was with you. you remember how he cooked you breakfast in the mornings, or how she put notes in your lunch, or how the two of you used to just talk for hours on end about nothing. you see this person that you still LOVE.. become someone you start to hate and it breaks your heart inside. because you know she’s better than that. you know he really isnt like that… but actions speak louder than words and trying to breathe with a broken heart is just too much to bare.

so you decide you’re better off as friends. you try and be normal but you dont even know what the fuck normal is. normal is morning sex and breakfast in bed but “friends” dont do that. normal is holding hands down the street on the way to dinner but now you dont know what to do with yourself and its too awkward to even look in the eye let alone give a hug hello. normal is being head over heels, shout at the mountain tops, crazy jealous, have you all to herself in love. and sometimes she just dont know how to be any different.

sometimes the love gets in the way.

so then WHAT THE FUCK?! its a catch 22, it doesnt work with you’re lovers and it doesnt work when you’re friends. what do you do now and where do you go from here? and i really have no answer for you….this is one of those rhetorical questions that will never have a wrong or a right.

i just hope one day it wont make sense to me when my best friend tells me she wants him to leave but she doesnt. that i wont get it when i hear a friend tell me he hates his ex but yet he’s still giving her morning sex and breakfast in bed (and lets her use his car and says “how high” when she says “jump” but lets not even go there.)

sometimes, love just isnt enough.  sometimes, its just love…. and bullshit.

“this is not a love story.

this is a story about love.”   — 500 days of summer.  KK, this ones’ for you.

sometimes i feel like my life can’t be true.   things happen to me and to people around me that are straight out of a movie script (but make the best Hellz stories.)  girl falls in love with her guy’s best friend, guy is dating his baby mama’s cousin or girl finds her prince charming and her happily ever after.

the only thing that differentiates real life from movie life is that you can’t always tell who the protagonist is.  you don’t know who you’re supposed to be rooting for, and when you’re waist deep in your own shit, your savior can be the devil or your angel… it just depends on who got their first.  as an outsider, watching these stories unfold is kind of amazing.  even if no one else is watching, you choose sides, imagine the outcome, and cant wait to see what happens next.  case in point…

your story isn’t a love story.  it’s a story about love.  i know the ending i want tho, lemme explain.

that guy you fell head over heels in love with is standing 2 inches away from you.   he’s the same guy who broke your heart, but for some reason, thinking about it now is just a vague memory.  the butterflies in your stomach are making it hard to keep a straight face as “small talk” permeates the space between you.   his hands are on your shoulders, and i can hear your heart fluttering from across the table.

as soon as he leaves, you instantly wish he was still standing there — conversing with you, looking into his eyes, hearing his voice say your name..   he is the realest thing you’ve experienced in a long time.  surprisingly (or not surprisingly) its the same way you felt years ago and it’s written all over your face.   we talk about the way it was then…  dates over hot chocolate, movies with the family.  it was all so surreal and so REAL at the same time. “it was the perfect verse over a tight beat”.

with time, that melody got played out.  the timing was off, the commitment wasn’t whole and it took a long time to accept that you weren’t your prince’s princess.  but you finally did, and you got over it.   and although you never forgot, you pushed it back to a place that wouldn’t stop you from moving on…  so you did.. so you are…

but all of a sudden, with a simple kiss hello, its staring back at you along with his brown eyes.  you remember all of it and in that instant, you’re swept away back to that first night you danced with him.  he took your breath away — he takes your breath away.  your heart skips a beat — no, its making one.  you can’t hear his voice over the boom in your chest– its “the perfect verse over a tight beat“.

this is not a movie.  this is not a test.  and just because he couldn’t be your knight in shining armor then, doesn’t mean he can’t be your happily ever after now.   does it?   after all these years and after all the bullshit, you two are so different, and yet so.. exactly.. the .. SAME.

consequently, life isn’t so easy.   between you are people, places, things, time, life…about a thousand steps, and even more regrets.  to be back in that space where only the two of you existed is just wishful thinking.   but even if you don’t believe you can get there again, i do.  i still have faith… i always have.   i still believe you deserve your happy ending, and i believe its with him.

when u find it, its gonna be the best story i’ll ever write.

love is gross.

a couple years back during our bi-annual trip to oahu, Mike (who was sportin a buzz cut back then) neglected to slather the sunblock on his pretty little head. after a long day of frollicking in the ocean (frollick – meaning him and his boy Topper standing in the water splashing each other’s love guts) he deduced that the tingling he was feeling wasn’t from bad hotel shampoo, but a sunburned scalp.  ouch!

over the next couple weeks, as new skin started to form and the burned skin peeled off, he would let me pick at his peeling scalp.  i kind of made it a game to see how big of a piece i could get off his head without it breaking  (think goldmember) and was absolutely delighted with myself when i would beat my old record of half my palm.

gross right?

but thats love.  love is gross, and a million other things.

love lets u fart in car as you lock the windows and blast the heater, almost suffocating ur wife.  love lets you go days and days and days without shaving but yet ur boyfriend doesnt say shit.  love lets you gain 5-50 pounds and still keep the title of “love of my life.”

and altho some people take it too far and let themselves go a lil too much, some people just fall in love and don’t give a fuck anymore.  but love sees past that.   cuz love is more than gross. its also a million other things…

thats why.

rebloggin my girl PAT cuz this vid speaks the truth like i aint never heard it before. 

” And I know it’s bugged / But I still love you,
Like Whitney loves crack. / Cause for some reason as opposites,
We attract.

And truth be told, / That romantic crap usually doesn’t last.

But what matters most is that / You complement me
Like air through my lungs.

And there are over a trillion nerves / In the central nervous system…
You get on every single one.

You know you do…
But for some reason,

That’s why I love you. “

the one that got away.


my girl Tee said it best when she said , “people break up for one of two reasons: 1. it’s not the right time. 2. s/he is not THE ONE.”

most of the people you’re in a relationship with are going to fall into the latter category.   i mean, only ONE PERSON is gonna end up being THE ONE, right?  so its easy.. its not workin out, he’s an asshole, she cheated, he’s broke, she’s a crackhead, he’s ugly, she’s just plain crazy, he likes his sister waaay too much — whatever the reason, put it all under #2’s  umbrella.   they just aint the one.   done. pau. next!

but what if everything’s going  just fine.   what if he’s everything you never knew you always wanted?  what if you can see her having your child and making a home?  you just CLICK.. and then you plan your life and then….  she moves.  or he gets transferred.  or her mom gets sick.  or she gets a promotion.  or he gets fired…  the timing is off and even though everything else is PERFECT, its just not the right time.   so you break up and go your seperate ways and move on with your lives..

after having a conversation with my cousin on his current situation, i ask him if she’s “the one”.  and the thing is,  he’s all of a sudden reminded of… not the one…  but, the one that got away

the one girl who was beautiful, smart, fun, care-free.. the one who he started to see himself with, the one who he let go with, the one who made him smile… the one who moved away, the one who kept in touch, the one who he thinks about all the freakin time… the one who makes him ask “what if?”

the thing is, when u stop seeing someone because the timing is off, there’s no love lost.  you dont start hating each other — there’s really no reason to.   you blame your failed relationshp on something cosmic and out of your control….  FATHER TIME.  when you remember, you remember the perfectness of it all…  and then you start to ask yourself all the what ifs.   what if – she never moved away, he never got trasnferred, she never got into law school, he never got promoted.  would you still be together?  would you have 58 beautiful babies or maybe you’d be buying your first condo or planning your wedding, or hell,  it dont even need to be all that serious – MAYBE YOU’D JUST BE HAPPY.  

or maybe she woulda cheated on you, or he woulda left you anyway but you dont know cuz it didnt happen that way.    but if  you’re anything like my smart, successful cousin and your “one that got away” is who you think about instead of your “current one”…. i say chase her.  i say chase you’re happiness and finish your story and just freakin stop asking yourself questions cuz if you dont, you’re NEVER gonna know…

the one that got away could be your happily ever after.

on this week’s episode of Dr. Raaach

Its summer.   Its breakup season.  and I believe my ear has fallen off from being the girl on speed dial.  i swear i could give Dr. Phil a run for his money. 

and although i dont wanna get into detail and i dont wanna write a blog “on love and bullshit” part 2, i will leave u with the following.

– its NEVER a good time to break up.  don’t wait till after the holiday, or a vacation, or birthday.  if u need to leave, LEAVE.  ur wasting precious time for the both of you and who wants faked contentment? 

– its the same story after 6 months, 6 years, and even 10 years.   MEN DONT CHANGE.  not for you anyways [just like we wont change if they ask us to.  the fuck he think he is?] … so quit playin.  if u see something off the get go that you can’t handle, peace upp… 

– love is never black and white.  its always grey, always complicated, and always messy.   it never matters who’s right or wrong cuz in the end, ur both hurting.  stop pointing fingers, and use the opportunity to nurture ur character.   

– dont believe the hype. heartache is only temporary.  finding happiness within yourself is not.  and even tho u turn into that girl, that girl will find its way eventually

don’t build walls around your heart, but make sure to condition it to survive solely from the love that you give yourself.

– bullshit is not an obligation.  its an option.  you do NOT have to endure anything you dont want to.  

your best girlfriends and a glass of sangria will stop those tears dead in their tracks.  i will clear my schedule in a second for you.  *please excuse me now while i now round up my newly single girlfriends (yep, there’s more than a couple. something’s in the air i tell u) and have a good cry sesh while listening to this song.*

p.s. if u really want the “on love and bullshit” part 2.  read hayati’s take.   it’ll rip ur fucking heart out.


“if u dont love me, somebody else will.  so dont u ever get too comfortable” – lil wayne
the honeymoon stage is always WONDERFUL. butterflies at the sight of his name on ur phone, that giddy-i’m-a-little-girl feeling everytime he says ur name, and the euphoric lets-get-lifted “love” fills the air.  he goes out of his way to do any and everything to be with u and the little things are always taken into account. “like a shot of hennessey, honey he chasin u.”  – rae rosero
andd thennnn that shit gets old. and all of a sudden everything he does is fucking annoying the shit outta u and u can’t STAND another second and ur plotting how to smother him with ur pillow when he’s sleeping. the muthafucka actin like ur pussy got an expiration date and shit and lets himself go and barely has the time to text you good morning let alone take ur ass out.   
so.. what the fuck happened?  the chase is over and he is no longer paying u any mind.   and then we get all upset but say we arent but we really are and we start resenting the guy cuz his ass SHOULD JUST KNOW, right? 
i been with my husband for 7 years and i’d like to believe that we still keep shit interesting so lemme just share some tips on how to keep each other interested after the honeymoon phase has gone to shit. 
for the ladies:
1. COMMUNICATE – and i dont mean anything along the lines of nagging, or bitching cuz TRUST that shit goes in one ear and out the other.  i actually mean communicating.  when ur upset, let him know.  when something bothers u… speak on it.   the only way to fix things is to keep the line of commication open or else u’ll find urself blowing up over the stupidest shit and then ur the one who looks like the crazy bitch. 
2. HE AIN’T EDWARD CULLEN.  and this is such blasphemy coming from the biggest twihard on the planet but ur dude aint a knight in shining armor.  he has not come into ur life to fix everything that is broken with u.   he aint a basketball player, or a prince, or a rapper.  he’s just an ordinary dude who you  love so get over the illusion of what u want him to be and accept him for who he is.   realize what’s real and what he actually has to offer u cuz it should suit u just fine. 
3. KNOW YOURSELF.  if u dont know urself.. if u aint right within u, then please dont expect a man to even try and know u.   i get it.  we women.  we complicated as fuck.   but how are we ever gonna try and give any of ourselves to someone if we cant get it right in our own head.   get ur mind right and then share it.  cuz it dont work the other way around.  as soon as we get to the point of RESPECT for ourselves, then we can begin to respect someone else as a whole. and only then, is  respect is reciprocated fully.
4.  LEARN HOW TO BE FLEXIBLE.   there aint nobody exactly like u.  (how boring would that be dating urself anyways?)  so instead of picking and critisizing the differences between u and him, learn to love them and accept them and learn from them.   i promise you, you will be a much better person if u allow urself to be open instead of wishing he were different.   be his rock and he’ll be the same for you. 
5.  STOP ASSUMING.  and this goes hand in hand with number 1.   i know as women we swear like we know everything and we’d bet our first born child that we know what our men is thinking.   but real talk, we dont.   u have to understand the psyche of a man and realize that they do not have the ability to mind read (like my man Edward Cullen).  so stop assuming he knows that ur upset and that he knows why cuz i promise he dont.  dont assume he’ll do something cuz ur last bf did cuz they two different people.    assumptions lead to miscommunication and then disappointment so if u dont have any ointment for that butthurt, stop assuming shit.  if u dont know, ASK.  if ur unsure if he gets it, SPEAK.  lead by example, and he’ll follow. 
6. LET HIM BE UR BF(F).   if u ever wana get to that place with him u gotta let him be there for u.    if u cant talk to him about ur problems, then why the fuck u guys together?  stop yappin ur bizness to ur girlfriends and take ur shit strait to the source.   i mean, thats what girlfriends are for, but i promise u that we get tired of hearing about how much of an asshole he is, and then watch as u sit there and do nothing about it.  man the fuck up and let him be ur man.  $10 says he dont even know u mad.  (and again, see #1)
for the fellas, i only got two words of advice for you:
1.  PAY ATTENTION.  i cannot stress this enough that its the little things that fucking matter.  u complain that we always naggin and bitchin but thats only cuz u dont hear shit until the 10th time we’ve said it!   put the ps3 controller down, turn the porn off,  pause the fucking Raider game (thats what they made dvr for anyways), and just pay attention.   u aint foolin nobody tellin me u can multitask.   that tv got u in tunnel vision and u dont even notice we’re in ur favorite lace bra and panty set.  and i KNOW that video game dont give u a raging boner like ur lady does so give her some respect.   if u hear her say she cravin chocolate, bring her favorite kind and ur pogi points will soar thru the roof!   trustttt!  this aint game its just common sense!   (i could write a whole fucking book about this shit but ima cut it short cuz im sure u get the picture)
2. SPEAK ON IT.  please give us more feedback than “yeah”, “uh huh” and “thats cool”.   let us know that we lookin extra fly today.   tell me that uve noticed my waist getting thinner.   let me know that you heard me so i dont have to repeat myself.   this goes back to item #1 for the ladies…  communication is KEY.   and even if u aint the kinda guy thats GOOD at getting ur point accross, all u gotta do is try.  u do not have a mute button so please make use of ur vocal chords and let us know!  
and ta-muthafuckin-da.  “u dont have to be perfect love, as long as ur willing to learn” – estelle.  its all a learning process…  but as long as u put in some effort, it will be noticed and reciprocated…  and then ur happy asses can be all caked and shit and live happily ever after.  the end. 

married.. with children

im not big on writing about matters of the heart.. only cuz i believe some things should be kept between u and ur significant other. if i want my business out on front street, i would put it there. and even tho i’m a blogger, i’m on twitter, fb, imeem, meebo, etc etc and most aspects of my life are pretty public.. i still value my anonymity.

but this week i’ve stumbled across some situations, not only within my own relationship but with my friend’s as well and i just had to speak about it. and i apologize in advance if this feels like its all over the place, cuz this is just one of those that wont be proofread.

love and marriage. go together like a horse and carriage..this i tell u brother, you can’t have one without the other? not necessarily. although i grew up thinking that love and marriage are interdependent on each other (if ur in love, u plan to get married. and u wouldnt get married without being in love, right?) most of my adult life has been spent realizing that this in fact, is not the case.

i’ve seen friends who have been together FOREVER… kids, a house, a thousand cars and a lifetime later they still arent married. they’re actually barely in love. and they’ve just realized that maybe they shouldnt be together. i’ve watched others get married for every reason other than love, and then seen the nasty divorce and child custody battle that follows.

love without marriage and marriage without love. i absulutely think the former is acceptable and in some cases more favorable, and that the latter should be a sin.. but in both scenarios my question is… where’s the fairytale? maybe its just the girly girl in me but i always invisioned this “love” thing to be “happily ever after” like snow white or cinderella.

but u know what? people change and forget to tell each other. people fall in and out of love and break up over petty shit. people just dont seem to be worth it. people work and grow and i thought the whole point of being with someone is to work towards a common dream and grow with each other right? so what happens when u find urselves on sepearate pages in different chapters of your story?? to make anything work takes a lot of compromise and lateral movement to meet in the middle. “but if you have to move backwards to meet him in the middle, then its not worth it. you can’t go backwards. ” – mama hayati.

and i absolutely believe that two people can fall in love again, even after falling out of love and falling into complacenency with one another. i also believe that sometimes, love just isnt enough. and other times love isnt really love. its the fear of being alone, or its being too comfortable with each other, or its just plain selfishness. dont cheat yourself out of something amazing and vow to be able to tell the difference.

i’ve been with my husband for 7 years. people always say marriage changes everything. it kind of does.. and it kind of doesnt. the only difference between being married and not, is that breaking up is not an option. but then again, it never was for me.

they say love makes the world go round, but its what keeps my world together. after all the blood, sweat, and tears… love is what’s left.. and for me, love is what makes it all worth it.

feeling lucky..

i found this picture while looking through my old computer at my parents house…   baker beach on a cold ass day, walking hand in hand with my then fiance…    i am so blessed to have found someone who knows all my flaws and yet loves me anyways.   thats all.