some women say that being a mother came naturally. that seeing their child for the first time created an unbreakable bond felt deep within their soul. some women say that all of a sudden, they thought like a mother, acted like a mother. some women say when you’re a mother, you just know. you know what to do, how to act, and that motherly instinct takes over.
i am not that woman.
my pregnancy was not a standard one. i wasnt told i was having twins until my third ultrasound at 14 weeks. the odds of having identical twin boys were nil, 0.4%… thats zero point four percent, just in case you didnt read that correctly. my husband and i were kicked out of the condo we were renting because the owner was selling it.. and then we lost one of our twins after a minor car accident the day after christmas.
for those of you who have ever miscarried a child at 7 months, the grief is overwhelming. you know what i’m talking about, it does not need to be explained. however, my circumstances were quite different. i still had Adonis. and he came a week later…. i didnt expect to give birth the way i did, the day i did. the first time i looked at Adonis, i cried.
partly because of all the circumstances surrounding his birth, but partly because i didnt feel as connected to him as i thought i should have. partly because i looked at him, and saw — someone i didnt know. i felt… detatched. his chance of survival increased with everyday, but i was still terrified of feeling for someone that might not be there tomorrow, or next week, or next month.
as adonis came home for the first time, i would look at him and feel guilty. i would only see his face when i should be seeing double. it hurt. i was TERRIFIED of sleeping, of waking up and losing the one that God let me keep as if he was some sort of punishment or if i didnt deserve the blessing.
after pushing past the guilt, praying past the grief, i finally learned how to embrace motherhood. but it did not come naturally or easy. it was difficult, sleepless, fun, exhausting, surprising, overwhelming, and absolutely worthwhile all at the same time. i opened my heart to to someone that is nothing short of magnificent…and although at times i felt so frustrated and so lost and so stupid that i questioned myself, at other times all i had to do was look at his face cuz this love is so strong it feels like i can’t breathe…
some of my friends tell me they’re ready to be a mother, that they have the motherly instinct, that they already act like a mother to their brothers, sisters, or friends… i say bullshit. you are not prepared for the overwhelming amount of love you feel for a child you give life to. you are not prepared for the endless number of days you can go on without any sleep. you are not prepared for the surprising acts of selflessness you find yourself doing on a daily basis.
but thats the beauty of it all. being a mother teaches you that you DIDN’T KNOW SHIT. but you’re learning about it with every baby step, and every little cough, and every baby word. you learn. and its nothing less than amazing.
last night adonis came home from his grandparent’s house with a shirt that said “it was my brother’s fault” and i lost all composure. almost 2 years ago to the day, i found out i was pregnant with identical twin boys.
i was different then. i was a 24-year-old-newlywed-newly-pregnant-just-moved-into-a-new-home-woman.
i am different now. i am a 26-year-old-wife-and-mother-of-one- who still hasnt gotten around to decorating the house.
but still, i remember. Mateo, i love you.
Mr. Slick Rick and Mr. America. lol.
tryna get my son to not do the miss america wave is hard man.
ladies n gents, my lil man is the bizness. p.s. i sound like a man only cuz pregnancy fucked with my vocals n i never got my old voice back. lol. and dont mind the bagong gising face.
blissfully uneventful sundays are my forte.
i spent mother’s day in my sweats, at home, playing with Adonis. We visited Mateo’s gravesite and ate applesauce and cookies in the sunshine and I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE.
i can finally say that i’m at a place where ive forgiven myself. i’ve stopped asking myself if i could have done anything different. i’ve stopped going over it in my head again and again and again. and it feels AMAZING. and although i still don’t feel whole, my heart does not feel empty. i spent yesterday feeling… joyous.
mike and i took our mamas out last night to dinner and i looked at them and understood. i understand what it means to love someone more than i possibly thought i could love anyone. i remember when i fell in love for the first time.. i was actually amazed that someone could feel so deeply about someone else… then when i fell in love with mike i felt like…. i loved him so much that my heart was gonna explode into a thousand pieces. i didnt think there was room in my soul for anymore love… and then i met our son. and its like that, times a gazillion and one plus infinity and beyond.
growing up my mom used to always preach to me. in between all the “buwisit” and the “puneta” and the “mag sisise ka pag wala ka ng magulang” (yes i’m a fob AND WHAT?) she would always say that i would never understand her until i have children of my own. and betcha by golly wow she was right. and i’m sure she was always right, i was just too hard headed and self absorbed to realize it. and i know everyone goes thru the growing pains of life, but my mom has been absolutely on point about all my pain of growing. i now believe that she’s a genius. and u bet ur ass she still says “buwisit” and “puneta” but u can also bet ur right leg that what she says no longer goes in one ear and out the other. and god, i appreciate her.
motherhood is the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. its the biggest responsibility of my life. its also the most rewarding. it never fails to teach me lessons that i’ve never learned and to surprise me with happiness i’ve never known. i also know that its the most worthwhile task that will ever be asked of me, and i’m completely game for whatever comes next.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, YO!
this is like needing glasses. when i was a kid, i would get these headaches and i went to the doctor and they said that i needed glasses. i didnt understand that. it didnt make sense to me because i could see fine and then i get the glasses and i put them on and im in the car on the way home and suddenly.. i yell. because the big green blobs that ive been staring at my whole life.. they werent big green blobs.. they were leaves! on trees! i could see the leaves..and i didnt even know i was missing the leaves. i didnt even know that leaves existed and then.. leaves! you are glasses. — dr. ericka hahn, grey’s anatomy